Relationships aren’t easy, even when you have a PhD in the study of how people think and behave — Boston University psychology professors Anne Gehrenbeck-Shim and David Shim can attest.
“It would be nice to think that all of our knowledge and understanding about how humans operate makes everything smooth sailing between us,” Gehrenbeck-Shim said. “Nope.”
Students often catch onto the marital status of the two quickly — after all, their offices are two doors apart — and affectionately refer to them as “He-Shim” and “She-Shim.”
Gehrenbeck-Shim and Shim even occasionally speak in each other’s classes and about one another during lectures. When teaching personality theories, for instance, Shim often draws from his own life experiences.
“I’ll say, most of you know Dr. Ann, right? And people say ‘yeah,’” he said.
The pair met while in BU’s clinical psychology PhD program in the fall of 1988.
Gehrenbeck-Shim was new to BU while Shim had completed his undergraduate studies at the University. Though the two were initially “just buds,” bonding over challenging coursework alongside a tightly knit 15-person cohort, Gehrenbeck-Shim said they quickly became close.
“It was a very hard program, and we were kind of like each other’s life rafts,” she said.
When Gehrenbeck-Shim told Shim that she had always wanted to learn how to play guitar, he brought his own to her in the alley behind Warren Towers.
“Little did we know that we would be both owning this guitar for the rest of our lives,” Gehrenbeck-Shim said. “Freud would say, the unconscious murmurings were there.”
It wasn’t until two years into the program, at a party to celebrate finishing exams, that they connected romantically.
“I actually had no intention of going to the party,” said Shim, who said he’s an introvert and often stayed home. “I like to think it was destiny.”
The relationship became serious very quickly, Gehrenbeck-Shim said.
“He starts telling people we’re getting married, and I was like, ‘Excuse me, we might need to talk about that first,” she said, laughing.
They hardly did — and at 27 and 29, the couple mutually decided it was time to get married in a no-frills approach.
“It wasn’t the balloons and roses and ‘will you marry me’ on [one] knee,” Gehrenbeck-Shim said.
“It just felt like the right thing to do,” Shim added. “I was right.”
The two graduate students married in May of 1991 at Providence Presbyterian Church. They started a family soon after, raising a total of three children: daughters Grace and Rita, who both attended BU, and a son, Nick.
These early years were some of the rockiest, they said.
Under the stress of finishing their graduate programs while becoming parents, the Shim’s said they went to couple’s therapy in the early years of their marriage.
“We’re married to each other. We’re not each other’s therapists,” Shim said.
Even so, the two have grown stronger since and after over three decades of marriage, still plan times to be together between their busy class schedules.
Last semester, they got breakfast together every Tuesday. They take a yoga class together on Saturday mornings and host friends for Sunday football games.
For Valentine’s Day on Saturday, Shim bought his wife a “Museum of Us,” picture frame containing smaller framed photos of themselves and their children. Shim said he believes in saving objects of sentimental value.
Gehrenbeck-Shim, who started embroidering during the COVID pandemic, said she’s big on handmade gifts and plans on adding a new element to a long-term project of hers for Shim’s gift.
“I have this dungaree shirt of David’s that I’ve been bedazzling with all kinds of images,” she said. “I’ve been adding to it for every [holiday].”
In May, the couple will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary after another year of teaching at the school where they met. Their secret for making it the long haul?
“At the end of the day, you realize that you’re better off together than not,” Shim said.
