Well, it’s been a lovely semester hasn’t it?

Yes, it has.

I think so too.

Then we’re agree.

There’ve been a lot of things that have happened this semester. Good things. Bad things. Mediocre things. Things that wouldn’t exactly be called bad, but don’t benefit you either. Like winning $2 on your second $1 scratch ticket. Or building immunity by way of a mild cold.

But a semester, like a mild cold or a lottery habit, is a lot harder to end than it is to begin. There are the exams, the changing travel plans, the lozenges. Daily Free Press columns are not the same way.

The writing of a Free Press column is one of the few beasts I’ve come across that is actually harder to begin than it is to end. I will humbly add to this list math homework, presidential terms and the life cycle.

So for all you budding columnists out there, I’ve decided to give you a leg up on the competition by way of a brief lesson in column commencement. We’ll simply pick a topic, and I’ll show you how to start writing a column on that subject. (Feel free to use these writing prompts in an actual column, for a reasonable and negotiable fee. Just contact my agent.)

Let’s let the computer pick a topic for us.

The Free Press’s trusty UNIVAC 1103 has selected as our topic “Web 2.0.”

We’ll start off by trying to write a factual introduction:

Web 2.0 is a term invented in 2004 for a new generation of internet content. Web 2.0 is a model for new websites in which content is mainly user-created. Web 2.0 is a concept, not a technology. Sites based on this concept include Wikipedia, YouTube, Del.icio.us and many others. These sites are mainly built upon submissions by users, rather than by the companies running the sites. Blah blah technology, blah blah blah. Look how smart I am.

This tends to be extremely boring. Note that. Readers like something juicy right up front. One way of doing this is what I call the middle school essay method.

Web 2.0 is really, really great. In this column, I will tell you why. And I will tell you how. Web 2.0 is really cool because the peoples who create the stuff on the websites are already knowing what they want to read so it is good. Also, the peoples who create the stuff on the websites can be doing it faster then the peoples from the media because the peoples who create the stuff on the websites do not have to be having it edited first. So it is scary sometimes because it can be more wrong. In this column, I will tell you why it is okay that this is it.

Mrs. Baker would be proud. But unfortunately, most readers demand proper syntax. And putting all your information up front is boring. You have to make them earn it. Hook them in and make them want to know what the column is about. Try something like this:

In a world full of intrigue, danger and fake mustaches, one media-distribution concept would rise above them all. It would be a tough journey, full of car chases, explosions and montages. It would be a journey of romance. It would be a journey of great peril. It would be a journey chock-full of fake mustaches. In a column, never before read by human eyes . . . By the creator of last week’s column and the column from the week before that . . . Web 2.0. The future is now. (Coming soon to the next paragraph near you.)

This introduction form is exciting, but sometimes it’s better to give some hint of an opinion straight off. For that, I use the world-renowned literary form known as the Instant Message.

BCsuxxx09: dude, web 2.0 is totally awesome, imho

FreepPhan87: what are you, a n00b? ne1 can write anything. it sucks

BCsuxxx09: u suck lol

FreepPhan87: bc sucks! rofl.

BCsuxxx09: lmfao. nvm. anyway, the great thing about web 2.0 is that content is also peer-edited

FreepPhan87: so content created by users is also edited by users?

BCsuxxx09: right. brb, ttyl

FreepPhan87: l8r sk8r

This literary form, or mode as it is sometimes called, can be a bit difficult to read for beginners. If your column’s audience is a simpler crowd, say preschool majors, you might want to start it like this:

Once upon a time, in a far-away, happy land called the Internet, there was a big, bad section of the consumer population that wanted to destroy other consumers’ content for fun. The magical developer fairy said, “This will certainly not do. I will grant everyone in the land the power to edit content to make it good and happy.” And for the most part, it was good and happy. The people of the land did their own fact-checking and changed things that were bad into things that were good. And happy. There were also some talking animals.

For those not into magic, it can sometimes be more appropriate to start your column in the form of a dated politico-science fiction short-story. Try something like this:

Terry R. Rhettman opened his front door and stepped into the Constant Automotive Regenerator, or C.A.R., he took to work. Passing the red standardized housing units on his sky-street, he made his way to the office, a 23-story floating pyramid. Terry took a look at the news-microfilm waiting for him on his executive desk-o-sphere and glanced at the headlines. “The Russian Reporter. Thursday, March 23, 1989. Man Lands On Moon.”

Terry hadn’t believed it the first time Uncle Government had said it and he wouldn’t now. Humans would never be able to leave Russia-Earth. He refocused his automatic microfilm goggles to the business section.

“Web 2.0 Makes Standardizing Content Difficult!” Well, that simply wasn’t true at all, Terry thought. There are plenty of things programmers can do to force the standardizing of content. And besides, peer editing takes care of this problem in most cases.

If this is too subtle, there’s always the infomercial column format.

Welcome back to the column! If you’ve read columns at all, then you already know what a wonderful topic Web 2.0 is. It could very well be the topic that you read about in your very home. Or at work. Or on the go! Now, I know what you’re thinking. A topic like this must run for 1,000 words. No. 900 words. No. 850 words? Wrong again! You can read this column for a mere 10 paragraphs of 79.99 words each! That’s right, today only! Don’t be caught without one!

Note that the infomercial format doesn’t actually offer any facts about the topic.

Now, these are but a few humble examples. If you want to write your own column, you’re going to have to come up with 10 new introductions each semester. And what’s worse, you’ll need a separate topic for each one. Not to mention a middle and end.

But do not fear, aspiring writers, there is hope yet. The Reverend Ethan Rosenberg offers you his blessing in your Free Press applications. May they be bountiful and prosperous. And have a good winter break.

Ethan Rosenberg, a sophomore in the College of Fine Arts, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].