sorry, Gloria . . . I just don’t think we

should see one another anymore.”

Gloria stares back at me with fiery eyes, now a little smoky because her tears are putting the fire out.

“Why not? What’s wrong?” Gloria asks. Questions should not be asked during breakups — it only makes things worse.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I say. I actually do know, but I’m not going to tell her.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” she retorts. Damn, she’s quick-witted.

“Well, to be honest, I guess I just don’t like the way you smell. It reminds me too much of the place where they keep the rhinos at the zoo. . . ”

“What?” Gloria cries.

She slaps me and runs out the door of the coffee shop before I can tell her I was joking. Seriously, I was kidding. Ah, well — some people just can’t take a joke, and it was going to end poorly anyway.

For some reason, I never have good breakups. As The Carpenters once said, “Breaking up is hard to do,” and let me tell you, it’s true. Breaking up is hard to do.

While I haven’t figured out a “do” yet, I now know quite a few “don’ts” when it comes to breaking up with someone. For example, do not tell a girl you are ending things because her breasts are too small. If you must comment, simply say you often find yourself “quite bored.”

Too large? All you have to do is tell her you “felt overwhelmed.” If she asks you to elaborate, just run away.

Along the same lines, when breaking up with a girl, do not honk her breast, then immediately say, “It’s over.” This will never get the humorous reaction you expect. In fact, it’s probably best to stay away from grabbing anything or making any creative noises while ending a relationship. I don’t know why, but the cute little things she used to find hilarious are no longer funny.

After Gloria, I also feel pretty confident in saying that jokes should not be presented in a breakup. Trying to lighten up the situation with a “Knock Knock, I like your roommate” joke won’t make her okay with the fact that you like her roommate. It might even make things worse in both the long and short runs.

Trust me, it’s understandable that you are only trying to be nice and lighten the mood, but sending mixed signals to a girl while you’re breaking up confuses her and makes her want to kill you. Once I brought a girl flowers with a card that read, “I love you . . . a lot less than I used to,” and she actually slapped me. Can you believe that? Excuse me, but I thought girls like flowers all the time.

Oh, that reminds me. It is also a mixed signal to break up with a girl and then try to French kiss her goodbye. I know you just want one last thrill, but she, for some reason, will not.

When it comes to lip action after the breakup, it gets pretty tricky. A peck on the cheek might work, but a quick hickey on the neck will not. Likewise, a kiss on the forehead may be sincere, but a lick on the chin will only be confusing and unappreciated.

If the girl bored you to tears and had no personality, don’t tell her that you at one point considered death by flesh-eating bats over having to labor through another painfully worthless conversation with her. Maybe you should try saying, “I just never got to know the real you, and I don’t know why,” even though you do know why — there was nothing to get to know in the first place.

During the breakup, do not forgive her for making the last eight months miserable for you. Even worse, do not request an apology.

Avoid breaking up with her during a moment of intimacy. Even whispers of “I want out,” may be heard and taken negatively, especially if you are sucking on her earlobe when you whisper such statements.

Also, do not have a friend or parent do it for you. I know it sounds great, but you might be perceived as a coward or insensitive jerk. Instead, do it yourself, in person. Breakups over Facebook, Internet or by messenger pigeon may be taken in an equally cowardly way. Making a giant poster reading, “I no longer find you attractive,” and hanging it up in front of her window could end poorly as well.

If you have a megaphone, don’t use it when you are breaking up with a girl. Girls are weird and don’t like other people overhearing the breakup conversation. It’s strange really — they don’t want people to know I’m breaking up with them when I’m doing it, yet they always get everyone’s attention by slapping me and running out sobbing. Girls. I’ll never understand.

Zack Poitras, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].