Tomorrow is Friday, so normally I’d be happy. It means the end of the week. No more class. No more work. No worries. Yup, I sure do love Fridays — but not this Friday. I’m dreading this Friday.
And it’s all because of some freakin’ award ceremony over in Sweden. You see, the Nobel Peace Prize is being awarded tomorrow, and if all the experts are right, I’m going to be none too pleased with the results.
Normally, I couldn’t give a crap and a half about this award. Sure, it’s nice to see Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela get their due, a fancy supper and a nice cash prize, but truth be told, I’m more interested in seeing who is going to win Dancing with the Stars than I am in seeing who wins the Nobel Prize for peace.
But this year is a little different, because it seems there is a popular choice for the next recipient of this so-called “distinguished honor.” And it’s none other than Albert Arnold Gore Jr.
Al Gore? They’re joking, right? Just a few years ago, this guy was serving cornbread at his family’s restaurant in Tennessee, and now he’s being tapped as the favorite to win the Nobel Prize?
Of course he’s being nominated for his “groundbreaking” work crusading for the environment with his movie An Inconvenient Truth and for subsequently whoring himself out to every Greenpeace and Sierra Club from here to Timbuktu.
I wasn’t aware they had made a Nobel category for fictional films. But hey, if Gore ends up winning, it will set a precedent: Maybe everyone can look forward to seeing Michael Bay in Oslo next year, being recognized for his contribution to the human race with his production of Transformers.
Why couldn’t they have just awarded Gore the prize when he invented the Internet? That helped mankind more than his stupid movie ever will. With the Internet, I can browse through an endless cache of porn. I can gamble and even rent movies. Now, if thinking up something that saves me a trip to the adult bookstore, Foxwoods and Blockbuster doesn’t deserve a prize, then I’m not sure what does.
I’m not even upset that his potential victory will devalue a once respectable and time-honored award. I’m pretty sure that happened long ago when they gave it to terrorist-loving Yasser Arafat, awful former President Jimmy Carter and the rabble-rousing Martin Luther King Jr.
And it’s not even Gore’s politics that make me fear his impending victory. I didn’t raise a single objection when the International Campaign to Ban Landmines won the Nobel back in ’97, and as anyone who knows me well will tell you, I’m a firm believer in the use of landmines. It punishes those who carelessly saunter around war-torn countries as if they don’t need to watch where they’re walking — one of my biggest pet peeves.
That’s because everyone knows the Nobel Prize is just another award liberals use to justify their righteousness, kind of like the Oscars. In the end, it’s just a bunch of hippies in suits patting each other on the back, and nothing ever really gets accomplished.
No, I’m furious because if Al Gore wins, I have to deal with him for at least another year, which will just push me over the edge. For the past seven years, this guy has been annoying the living crap out of me.
We had to deal with him during the 2000 election. First he made out with his wife on national television, which single-handedly prevented me from sustaining an erection for about six weeks. Then he asked for a recount? When I bust in blackjack, I don’t ask the dealer for a recount. That’s like saying “do-over.” No self-respecting person asks for a do-over. What a baby.
After that, I thought he was gone for good. But An Inconvenient Truth came out, and I had to hear his android voice and see his doughy-looking face every time I turned on the TV. Then he won an Oscar. And now I’m going to be subjected to his presence even more if he wins this thing.
Am I the only one who realizes Al Gore’s the equivalent of a homeless person? Every time we pay attention to him, it’s just like another dollar in the cup. Why would he stop panhandling when everyone’s putting a dollar in? He needs to be cut off from suckling the left-wing teat, posthaste.
Liberals, please do me this one favor. Pick another cause to champion. Maybe try to rescue underprivileged, homosexual race dogs. Or convince the world it is suffering from a crippling peanut butter shortage. I don’t know; just invent something. You’ve done it before. But I beg of you, take this man out of my life. I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Brian Fudge, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].