Secrets and Lies: Guilty pleasure songs

DISCLAIMER: Being a music snob is a full-time job. With all the hard work it takes to cram so much pop cultural detritus into your brain, the last thing you want to do is damage your cred by enjoying something too populist (re: fun). Sure, even the most elitist indie geeks have their guilty pleasures, but they also play the irony card (hey, even Kylie worked with Fischerspooner, right?) Still, many of us harbor dark musical secrets: our Winamp playlists occupied by the residue of TRL, along with the spectre of Carson Daly looming over us and threatening to tell all our friends. Some of these songs are universally hated; some are all the more suspicious for being generally well-liked. But please, just don’t tell our friends.

1. ‘Ignition (Remix),’ R. Kelly Even my friends who listen primarily to hip-hop and R’B seem to hate this a true guilty pleasure. Still, I like how fun and upbeat this mix sounds, especially contrasted with its lyrical portrait of what could easily be construed as groupie rape. ‘I’m like, ‘So what? I’m drunk,” says R. Well, keep it up: maybe 17 will get you 20, but 13 apparently gets you Top 40.

2. ‘Cry Me a River,’ Justin Timberlake As much as I love ‘Rock Your Body’ and (especially) its video, that song doesn’t have nearly as much sonic subtlety as ‘Cry Me a River’ (seriously!) Plus, this video has the advantage of Justin doing those weird, antigravity dance moves, establishing a Moonwalk parallel and thereby nailing the ‘new Michael Jackson’ connection.

3. ‘In Da Club,’ 50 Cent My theory is that Fitty is like Will Smith with street cred: at their respective peaks, both men have had the charisma to attract and hold the attention of the white mass media while dropping singles specifically designed for the top of their era’s charts. The only difference? The Fresh Prince made puerile summer blockbusters while 50 Cent was being shot in the face. The result? ‘In Da Club’ is still shamelessly pop, but at least it feels more authentic than, say, ‘Miami.’

4. ‘Clocks,’ Coldplay I actually enjoy a lot of Coldplay, and I imagine I feel the same way about it as a Sex Pistols fan in 1977 might have felt about liking Pink Floyd. It’s contrived, bloated pop made to be played in stadiums where people can hold up their lighters and sing along, and as if that weren’t bad enough, Chris Martin makes an ass of himself in public about once a month. But I like them anyway, even if I refuse to take out my lighter for anything but setting fire to Mr. Martin.

5. ‘Move Your Feet,’ Junior Senior I am programmed on a genetic level to go into terrible, violent paroxysms any time I hear raspy diva vocals exhorting me to ‘shake’ or ‘feel’ or ‘get into’ anything. Too bad ‘Move Your Feet’ is as catchy as the Black Death, because whenever this comes on the radio, I end up dancing like Ian Curtis on angel dust (especially dangerous while driving).

6. ‘Hot in Herre,’ Nelly Hey, Tiga covered this song, so Nelly now has as much hipster cred as, um, Corey Hart. But the presence of electromullets on the dance floor can really only detract from the appeal of what remains the Band-Aided One’s hugest hit. To think, all this from the simple ingredients of ‘ah-ah’ and ‘ah-ah.’

7. ‘Put the Needle On It,’ Dannii Minogue As catchy as that ‘I Begin to Wonder’/ ‘You Spin Me ‘Round’ mashup is, this song is endlessly more funky, with a bassline that sounds plucked right out of a Playgroup remix. She never really specifies where she wants me to put the needle, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s wherever she wants.

8. ‘Satisfaction,’ Benny Benassi This is the sort of trashy dance music that serves as the only logical link between post-ironic electro-sleaze and Avaland-style Euro-cheese. Think about it: a set in which the ‘Greece Dub’ of this track is sandwiched between Peaches and some old Ibiza anthem, and it actually makes sense. It’s impressively utilitarian, if nothing else.

9. ‘Weekend!,’ Scooter In some nightmarish parallel universe where Hitler won and rave is the Music That Will Last 1,000 Years, Scooter are revered as gods. How is it 2003 and we’re still being subjected to helium-high ‘ardkore vocal tracks? And how did they fool me into liking it this time?

10. ‘Feel,’ Robbie Williams I am genuinely ashamed of this one, but in my defense, the crappiness of the song is tempered by its kitsch value. I mean, at various points, Robbie sounds like he’s affecting a Marc Anthony accent and busting a hemmie. Perhaps he’s too tuneful for the karaoke circuit, but not by much, and therein lies the charm. Dan Ciardi, Muse Staff

1. ‘Intuition,’ Jewel Perhaps it’s the ultra ironic lyrics, or the reference to postmodernism, or the namechecks for Kate Moss and Charlie Sheen. Eh. It’s probably just the delicious visual of our yodeling folkster-cum-pop tart getting a hardcore hose-down in the video.

2. ‘Camel Toe,’ Fanny Pack This summer’s ‘My Neck, My Back’ came in the form of a pep rally-inspired homage to frontal wedgies. Arriving at the height of hootchie chic, this drum-and-bass confection let the world know that it’s not cool to wear your short-shorts that tight. One of the year’s most exuberant and informative ditties if only for the way in which the girls manage to rhyme pubic with Rubik.

3. ‘Still Waiting,’ Sum 41 This group of punk kiddies play fast, catchy tunes and remind us all why we should be thankful to be past ‘that awkward phase.’ By utilizing a vast array of chords (three, to be exact) and jumping around in-synch during live performances, Sum 41 has built its reputation on the last shreds of ’90s alternative. Kurt Cobain continues to spin like a rotisserie chicken in his grave.

4. ‘Just Like a Pill,’ Pink The most droning, girl-infested song Starship never recorded, this overproduced, overplayed power ballad showcases pop’s feisty rabblerouser in her darkest hour, metaphorically itching from morphine like a cat on a hot tin drum machine. Also this year’s likeliest candidate to get rewritten for use in an Ertho Deprovera commercial.

5. ‘Crazy in Love,’ Beyonce featuring Jay-Z After splitting from Destiny’s Child, this pop ingenue broke off her last name like any self-respecting diva and stormed the charts with her manic debut single. Miss B has crafted an ideal vehicle and a song that dares you to stay off the dance floor. Girl, we crazy for you just don’t think about making another movie.

6. ‘Ignition (Remix),’ R. Kelly Built around what could be the worst car metaphor in music history, this club smash signaled a surprise comeback for Lester, Lester the Child Molester. Mr. Chocolate Factory himself has a hit with teenage girls, giving parents a reason to lock up their daughters. How retro!

7. ‘Rock Your Body,’ Justin Timberlake Sure, it sounds like it was written and performed solely for use as background music during an intense struggle with the rowing machine at Bally’s Total Fitness. But I ask who among us, my friends, has not succumbed and privately grooved to this slick number while cruising down the highway? You’ll have us naked by the end of the song, eh Timberlake? You’ve already taken our dignity!

8. ‘Dirrty,’ Christina Aguilera It’s hard to buy into someone who thinks that her song will be grittier if an extra consonant is added to the title. It’s easier to buy into said tartlet’s product when she dons chaps, girly-boxes and takes any possible opportunity to fight for every woman’s right to sleep with, well, everyone. Oh X-tina, what would we do without thee?

9. ‘Screaming Infidelities,’ Dashboard Confessional He aped his punk-fused ballad style from Weezer’s emo-blueprint Pinkerton and his ‘Am I a band or inanimate object?’ pseudonym from Nine Inch Nails. But Chris Carrabba also taught us the importance of getting in touch with our feelings and even made it cool for troubled scenesters across the nation to cry. Damn sissies.

10. ‘Jenny From the Block,’ J. Lo The most obnoxious song of all time comes from a true disgrace an artist who manages to straddle the line between sensual vapidity and complete talentlessness. Jennifer Lopez – real? You may have pulled the wool over our eyes for now (or is that just Planet Ass creating a solar eclipse?) But I wouldn’t get so cocky if I were you: add two more failed marriages to your flimsy resume and you’ll officially be our generation’s answer to Zsa Zsa Gabor. Justin Conforti, Muse staff