Now, I know that in reading this title, you must think me to be an awful homosexual which is a moot point considering I’ve already proclaimed this for myself weeks ago in that I can so comfortably use the term ‘fag’ as a self-description. The truth is, I hate the word in all instances but one, and that is in the acknowledgment of the legendary ‘fag hag.’

The fag hag does indeed exist, and is best compared to, in the straight world, a man’s hetero-life partner, which, coincidentally, I also have (Reverend is my best friend in the world). The legendary hag is generally a straight female seen grazing alongside said fag through fields of fashion, culture, food and, most importantly, men. While, this is, for all intents and purposes, a rather shallow description, it works as a foundation for the conversation.

A hag is much more than a best friend. For gays and myself, specifically a hag represents the only true, committed relationship that can occur between a gay man and a woman. My hag, Lynn, is my female soulmate. Our relationship exceeds the bonds of friendship and is really only understood between the two of us. In fact, many find our relationship perplexing. How can two people with so much in common, with something of an obvious attraction (for lack of a better word) between each other, maintain a strictly platonic relationship?

In the film When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan have a continuous conversation about the impossibility of a male-female nonphysical relationship. Writer Nancy Meyers, however, never contemplated the possibility that the male would be gay. In the case of Lynn and myself, it’s not a question of me not being attracted to Lynn. Quite the contrary, I find Lynn to be extraordinarily attractive, but unfortunately, I was not predestined to find women sexually stimulating. What’s come out of our bond, however, is something much better a ceaseless love unmarred by sex. In many ways, I’m quite in love with the girl, but I’m far more gratified by the knowledge that there won’t ever be a breakup, in the strictly traditional sense of the word, and our partnership will extend until we die. Furthermore, it allows us both to be in our committed relationship she’s no one else’s hag but maintain outside, sexual relationships.

It’s truly the best of both worlds. I love this woman with every ounce of my being, but can seek the company of others without there ever being a tinge of jealousy. Lynn, in fact, has a very serious boyfriend whom she loves very much, and their relationship has no bearing on ours. In Lynn, I’ve found someone I can with whom I can fart, watch The Lord of the Rings, play videogames, laugh, cry, cuddle, sleep and hold. We, in most ways, have the complete package. And while Lynn and I will never physically consummate that through intercourse, we support each other through finding other love, heartbreak and love again.

Which is not to say that our relationship has never teetered from this platonic ideal. This is going to sound very obviously stereotypical, but this example is the best case to exhibit. After Lynn and I watched the episode of ‘Will ‘ Grace’ when Grace marries Harry Connick Jr. (go ahead, laugh), I was so afraid of that moment I could lose her to a husband that I convinced myself that I was in love with her. Yes, ‘Will ‘ Grace’ inspired me to have a nervous breakdown at the thought of losing my hag. Lynn didn’t have a boyfriend at the time. But I did, whom I was terribly in love with at the time, so you can imagine the turmoil I was going through. The point is, I had a boyfriend.

Now, while I’m of the belief that someone cannot be completely straight or completely gay, in the case of me loving Lynn, that was the case. To her, I’m her gay best friend. Lynn, while I would be happy forever with her, was simply not meant to be my wife. She’s meant to be the one with whom I share the bliss and complain of having a husband. And there’s no sorrow in that, because it affords me the benefit of having two soul mates, two life partners.

So you see, the hag is not only a truism, my hag is one of the most important people I will ever have in my life. One thing’s for sure my hag and I are sure to be roaming the plains of fashion, food, culture and men, scratching at our butts, wearing our doofy theatre shirts and going to play some X-Men: Next Dimension for the rest of our lives.

Brad Jones, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. His email address is [email protected].