The other night, I was at a pizza place when someone I had just met claimed they recognized me. “Hey, your picture’s in the Freep all the time,” she said excitedly. Slightly surprised, I confirmed that the striking young man that appears Thursdays in the opinion section and who looks like he’s about to fall asleep is indeed me. I then expressed surprise that someone was actually reading this column. She put me in my place though, when she went on to tell me that she just noticed my picture, but never bothered to read the column. With that, the universe was right again and the apocalypse was averted. However, it got me to thinking, “Is my column inconsequential? Am I doing my job as an opinion columnist?”

The answer, dear reader, is no. I’m a complete hack. Truthfully, I can’t even spell properly. If spell check did not exist, it is very likely the column would not be in English. Basically, I just sit down and pound my head on the keyboard in the general vicinity of letters I want to use and hope for the best. Sometimes, it works out, but as you can see, most of the time my column is worthless drivel. I put zero thought, time or effort into my weekly responsibility, and I want that all to change.

Last night, I watched the film American Splendor, which is an adaptation of Harvey Pekar’s comic of the same name. Pekar’s comic, of course, is just an adaptation of his everyday life. When he started the comic in the 1970s, the idea was revolutionary. The comic wasn’t about idealized superheroes or anything like that. I realized that the opinions section needed a jolt like that! We need to stop trying to search for issues, and just look around and let issues punch us in the face until we get so mad we take notice. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, from the streets of Boston comes, “Massachusetts Splendor.”

So, let’s get the ball rolling. Today I was walking around and a sharp pain shot up through the arch of my left foot. You see I’ve been walking around in my dress shoes for the past three or four weeks. I ordered a pair of sneakers from JC Penny, but they neglected to fully explain that I was ordering Boys Size 11 shoes. I don’t understand what the problem is. If the order form says M-11, I’m assuming that’s men’s size 11. Does the M magically stand for “midget” now? Good lord, that really got me mad.

I was also perusing CNN’s web page to check out the Super Tuesday election results when I saw an article that explained that McDonald’s is phasing out their “super size” meals. Now, please, allow me to piss and moan about this for a few moments. Sometimes, when I go to a fast food joint, I’m very hungry. If that is the case, I will order a super size meal, which includes a box of fries the size of my head and a bucket of cola. If I am only moderately hungry, I will order the large size meal. But now, someone is telling me eating a large quantity of this food is unhealthy. Thank you, sir or madam, for the shocking revelation! If I want high cholesterol, damn it, I’ll super size.

Hmm, what else has been going on in my life? Well, I went to class today. I sat through three straight hours of lectures. As I was sitting there, I constantly kept asking myself if I was wasting my time. Is learning how to properly test how many participants are needed in a study to make sure that a Type II error is not committed important? I never answered that question, since I suddenly had the urge to use the restroom. Of course, this was a good 30 minutes before the end of class, so the rest of the class I wondered why humans were engineered to feel such an uncomforting feeling when they need to urinate. Then, I realized I had gone to the bathroom not an hour before that. This led to a host of questions, the most frightening of which was whether or not I had some sort of bladder problem.

As you can see, my life is fairly mundane and boring. But through it, perhaps you, fine reader, can gain some meaning or insight into your own pathetic life. Yes, that’s right, I’m calling you pathetic! What are you going to do about it, chump? From now on, I’ll stop to take a look around. I’ll try and find issues that deeply anger me and through my experiences perhaps you can find something to rally for or against. Ah, who am I kidding? I don’t have anything important to say, so why should I even pretend I do?

Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached by email at [email protected]