With NCAA March Madness reducing students’ productivity as they dive into more pools than a 5-year-old at Michael Jackson’s water park, we here at the ‘ol Free Press decided to create our own basketball bracket – for entertainment purposes only, of course.

The first matchup pits Mitt Romney against Tom Menino. Romney, fielding a team of happily married straight couples, first tries to disqualify Menino’s team of all-male city councilors because too many men are being too friendly in tight shorts. Menino, hampered by the famished Felix “Hunger Strike” Arroyo, fights back with some trash talk of his own, except no one can understand him. Romney wins this one in constitutional convention (after a vote of the people, of course).

Next up we have Dan Goldin vs. John Silber. After trading away three unimportant philosophers for an astronaut and a temper tantrum to be performed later, Silber routs Goldin and cuts down the nets in the ninth floor office he never really left, causing Goldin to be very, very angry.

That win sets up an interesting second-round bout with Cinderella story Aram Chobanian. Chobanian draws lots of gambling action among BU students, since many more have actually met him, and some say he has even smiled at them and appeared at student events. BC students, always hungry for some action, offer Silber a payoff to throw the game, but he turns down the offer, because it goes against Kantian ethics.

In one of the Day 1 highlights, soft-spoken Mee Chow wraps up an upset over José Luis after Luis is called for a last-second “foodborne illness” violation that later turns out to not even be his fault.

One of the surprises of the first round comes when the BU basketball team goes against the BC hockey team. In what was expected to be a hard-fought game, the teams disappoint the five BC fans in attendance at Conte Forum and are both disqualified for failing to show up to play.