REYNOLDS: Sending the Wrong Message

I spent my Saturday night watching spoken word poets on YouTube, as I often do, and came across a verse that made me think. Belissa Escobedo and Rhiannon McGavin passionately chant, “Consent is sexy. Lingerie is sexy. Consent is a basic human right,” during their performance of their poem “Rape Joke” at the Brave New Voices Finals.

Now don’t get me wrong, I once pranced around preaching the catchy slogan, “Consent is sexy.” It was first said to me my freshman year of college during a First-Year Student Outreach Project Gender Focus activity. And ever since then, I adopted it without thinking about what it really meant. It was easy, catchy and made me feel like I was somehow making a difference in the world of sexual assault.

However, the phrase “consent is sexy” may be doing more harm than good. It’s sexualizing the most important part of sex, the part that sets boundaries and decides whether sex will happen at all. Sexualizing consent removes the seriousness of having a discussion about it.

“Consent is sexy” does not teach us how to properly ask for consent. It does not remind you that boundaries should be discussed before sex happens, as well as in the moment. And before anything happens, both people have to agree and consent.

And most importantly, saying “consent is sexy” does not teach us how to say no or how to cope when someone says no to you. It can be hard for both genders to refuse sex or decide they don’t want to go as far as their partners, especially in the moment. Now you have to do it sexily.

Not knowing how to say no creates a lot of blurred lines and makes it difficult to stop an action while it’s happening. Sure, you’ve been making out all night, but maybe that’s all you wanted to do. But now how do you stop it? Maybe it’s easier to just go along with it. And this miscommunication between partners can lead to some awful feelings.

“Consent is sexy” makes it very clear that yes means yes. But it doesn’t address that silence is not a yes. Or that saying no to sex doesn’t have to be sexy. And it puts consent into a box with a sexy ribbon tied around it.

Instead, we should be teaching people how to be assertive and vocal when turning down sex. Teach people that there is no shame in not wanting sex, whatever the reason. And teaching people that saying no to sex is just that. No sex. It does not mean the one refusing hates you or that he or she isn’t interested anymore. It just means that the person does not want sex, and you should respect that.

I think we all make mistakes when we talk about sex, even those of us who are trying to do good.

U.S. President Barack Obama recently released an anti-sexual assault campaign called “It’s On Us.” The campaign seems to offer some great messages. Yeah, don’t be a passive bystander! Yeah, do everything you can to stop sexual assault!

The problem with the campaign however, is that it’s placing a lot of emphasis on the individual. I’d argue that most people aren’t a fan of sexual assault and understand that it’s wrong. Of course, they would want to stop it in the act if they had the chance to.

However, sexual assault is a public health problem. It affects communities. It damages the safety of students on college campuses, where rapists are allowed to stick around. Scandals, where the victim is blamed and the perpetrator is left unpunished, reinforce negative behavior. Even the way we talk about and report on sexual assault can be damaging.

It is a social problem that needs to be prevented, not treated. Most of the “It’s On Us” campaign focuses on preventing an individual attack, but it doesn’t solve the problem. Stopping your friend from getting sexually assaulted doesn’t mean that you stopped the assaulter. The campaign doesn’t work toward punishing offenders or changing the environment and society that has made it okay to sexually assault another human being.

Sexual assault is an extremely complex problem that won’t be fixed overnight. Saying, “it’s on us” or “consent is sexy” won’t remedy that problem, but at least it acknowledges it. Now, if there is some institutional accountability, policy changes or funding being allocated to help solve the problem of sexual assault coming in response to this “It’s On Us” campaign, then we are making progress.

I’m glad we are beginning to talk about the issues of sexual assault and non-consensual sex. But sometimes the words of encouragement we use to address the issues can send the wrong message…or at least not the right one.