I have a beautiful friend named Jane. But Jane sometimes forgets she is beautiful, both inside and out.

And come to think of it, don’t we all?

After just two days of being back home for spring break, I was already reflecting on some deep seated insecurities and behaviors.

Aside from allotted pondering time, break also gives you the opportunity to hangout with friends you don’t usually see, so I made plans with Jane, who I met in high school.

We decided to walk around and window shop. Eventually, we sat down for some sushi.

To give a little rundown, Jane is an art student. She is dedicated to her work and is talented beyond words. I’ve known her for almost four years and I value her a great deal.

However, when we began catching up over our food, we started talking about goals, burnout and all the responsibilities that come with being on the brink of true adulthood.

It’s easy to avoid caring for yourself in college — work becomes an excuse to ignore how you truly feel and what you actually want to do with your life. No matter how hard it is to admit, between two jobs, exams and trying to keep myself somewhat social throughout the semester, I am tired.

Jane too has actively been trying to avoid burnout while balancing art school, work and her social life.

The reason I bring this up is because as we sat at the sushi restaurant discussing our goals and aspirations, I stated the reason I push myself so hard: I want to be financially carefree by the age of 25.

But admitting this goal out loud suddenly made me feel unserious, like it was a bold statement riddled with youthful arrogance.

Or is that how we’ve been made to feel? Have we been taught to only expect “realistic” things?

Jane shared the same sentiment regarding financial goals, but she said she doubted she’d be able to reach them as an illustrator.

That’s when I told her there is no reason she shouldn’t be “able” to. Yes, it will be hard, but the work won’t happen until you believe it will.

Saying this to Jane made me feel like a hypocrite. As I told her all the reasons why she is a great person and a diligent worker, I realized the same applies to me.

Often in my life, when I’ve accomplished something or taken the “harder” path, it is because I felt almost forced into it, like I didn’t have a choice but to face hardship.

Now, while I am grateful to have the privilege of picking and choosing my battles, I have to admit that I’ve never felt more lost.

There are certain behaviors, such as halfheartedly completing assignments just to get them over with, that kind of register as autopilot to me now. That approach has spilled over to the rest of my life, but there is no effort behind it, no authenticity. I often operate on autopilot, with distant reassurances of financial freedoms and lavish lifestyles in the near future hovering in my mind.

The reality is that I am almost 20, and five years isn’t that long considering how fast time seems to pass.

So, little by little, I must begin to face the small vices I’ve given into and the shortcuts I tend to take that ultimately lead me nowhere. But that won’t happen until I believe in myself, who I am and who I want to be going forward. Because no matter how much others believe in you, nothing will happen until you believe in yourself.

Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is terrifying. In doing so, you must confront all the ways in which you — and no one else — hold yourself back.

Your dream self doesn’t tolerate the BS from your current self, and that means slowly you should learn not to as well. I put emphasis on the word “slowly” though, because jumping into extremes just causes breakdowns and leads back into old coping mechanisms.

No matter how annoying it is to admit this, we cannot strive for perfection — only consistency.

With school, it’s a given to sacrifice free time and some aspirations for the sake of a degree and a semi-decent future in this world. But aside from necessary obligations, what you do with your free time is what will shape you in the long run.

Learn to survive for the things you love. Pay attention to the words of encouragement you give to others, and learn how to apply them to yourself.

Just like you take the time to get to know a person and adjust your world accordingly to their presence, learn to adjust the world to accommodate your own presence. Go slow, go back and then go forward again, but always remember to keep your best interests in your heart and mind.

Actions are born from thoughts, and our thoughts from reflection. So, let this piece be a means for us to reflect together.

Till we meet again.

N.