WILSHERE: Exes and Oh’s

This weekend, I received a series of texts messages from an ex I hadn’t spoken to in weeks. The timing and the nature of the texts shocked me, as well as the fact that he was making any form of contact. Our last conversation concluded with him telling me he wasn’t “interested” anymore, so I had believed that meant things ended between us. Naturally, when I received his texts, I was taken aback. A mix of panic and fear washed over me as I was unsure how to respond. Stunned and unable to move, I turned off my phone and waited until morning to send the screenshots to my friends to ask for advice.   

An event like this always makes me rethink what it means to have an “ex” and what the grounds for that relationship are. It threw me for a loop because I had perceptions about where this relationship stood. But then I still had to grapple with basic questions of our status. Do you remain friends with that person, trying to resurrect the friendship that came before, or do you pretend to not know them when you walk past them? Do you acknowledge the possible hurt you put each other through, or do you try and move forward with a brave face and an even braver attitude? Is it possible after all the emotional hurt, misconceptions and missed connections, to be friends with your ex? I don’t think there are straight answers to any of the questions. I have always veered on the side of not being friends with my exes, because of the nature of how the relationships ended.

Relationships are complicated. Ending relationships and dealing with the fallout from those endings are just as complicated. We react to these endings in the best ways that we know — we do what we can to save face. I have been told that self-preservation is the No. 1 human drive. When it comes to relationships, for lack of a better phrase, we do what we can to survive. We delete their conversations, their numbers, the remnants of them in our lives. We delete whatever we can to ensure we won’t be haunted by lingering sentiments or possible thoughts of regret. We move forward because sometimes that’s the only direction we can go. Unexpected events, however, like the one I encountered this weekend, throw a ripple in your plan of moving on. No matter how hard we may try, we can’t anticipate other’s acts of self-preservation.

Nothing prepares you for a casual text from an ex. Nothing can stop your stomach from dropping when you pass them on the street or run into them and their new beau at Target. There is no published handbook that helps one deal with an ex. There is no guide on how to act in the face on an interaction with an ex. Even the great Carrie Bradshaw could never anticipate her run-ins with Mr. Big, or how she’d act when she’d spot him. Excellent television shows aside, the sentiment still stands. One is never prepared for an interaction with an ex, and a lot of that has to do with the post-relationship relationship. The individual has to decide how they’re going to react. Sometimes we make the wrong call and erode a possible friendship. Sometimes we are able to build a friendship from the ashes of a relationship that failed. Sometimes, there’s nothing to do but hold your head high and try to move on.   

We’re all learning how to wade through all of the mess that comes with forming and ending relationships. There is no statute that states one must be friends with their exes. Conversely, if one is comfortable with the situation, one may be friends with their exes. I believe that it must be up to the discretion of the individual. I’ve cut ties with most of my exes solely based on how the relationship ended. I have also been able to remain friends with some of my exes. The truth is, we have to do what we feel most comfortable with, cut ties where we can, befriend who we want and prepare a blanket response for the late-nights texts from our exes.