We all like to believe that regardless of how many romantic partners come and go, our true friends will stick around no matter what. This is why friendship breakups often hurt more than regular breakups. While romance is usually complex, you’d think friendships would be anything but.
When the people you confide in about your regular breakups stop standing by your side or begin to act differently, you can feel a pain more severe than the usual heartbreak.
I’ve been through a couple of friendship breakups throughout my life. Although they were all for different reasons, I often blamed myself. Was I not good enough for them to stay? Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve that type of treatment?
You don’t expect to lose your best friends, but sometimes you will and you’re forced to confront the unsettling truth that even the closest connections can unravel unexpectedly. It’s a painful reminder that friendship, like any relationship, requires effort and understanding — and not all ties are meant to last.
Reasons
Friendship breakups can occur for several reasons. Usually, they’ll fall into two categories: controllable versus uncontrollable factors. Controllable factors are the aspects of a friendship that at least one person can control, such as respect, treatment and priorities. Uncontrollable factors would be things like distance, growth, time and hardship.
Both categories are equally painful. On the one hand, controllable factors are, as the name describes, controllable. Your friend could have treated you better, but they chose not to. They could have been there for you, but their priorities lay in some other thing or someone else. The friendship could have been saved, but it wasn’t.
On the other hand, uncontrollable factors can make you feel powerless when there’s nothing either of you could have done to save your bond. Sometimes, friendships are bound to end like that.
I felt similarly when my best friend of 14 years and I gradually stopped talking to each other. When I first noticed us drifting apart, I thought it was something I did and started to panic, but I realized that people can outgrow each other — and there was not much I could do to save our friendship.
Accepting that the person who knew me best was gradually slipping out of my life was incredibly difficult, and I often felt upset or angry because it seemed like she had replaced me with new friends.
However, we go through so much in life — meeting new people, going to new places — it’s hard to expect your friendships to stay the same. People change, life happens and it’s not your fault.
Remedies
Every situation is different, but what worked best during my friendship fallouts was writing about my feelings and working towards closure.
In times when I couldn’t fully express myself, writing allowed me to properly compose my thoughts and regulate my emotions — and it was freeing.
It’s hard not to focus on the hypotheticals of what could have been done differently, which is why getting closure is so important. Talking to the person about the situation and expressing my feelings helped me feel better, not only about the end of our friendship, but also about the person themselves.
Lessons
Communication is key in any relationship, especially friendships. It’s important to talk to your friends about any issues that may arise. Some can be solved with a conversation, while others might not be fixable. Regardless, you won’t know until you try.
My experiences taught me what type of treatment I deserve and not to accept less. Disrespect is not normal in a friendship. If being friends with someone is draining or painful, then it’s crucial that you speak to them about how they are making you feel.
Finally, I realized that friendship breakups can happen without any malice involved. Sometimes people just grow apart. It doesn’t mean that the person no longer likes you or that you did anything wrong, it just means that the friendship has outlived its time.
Friendship breakups are never easy, but they teach us about growth, self-worth and the inevitability of change. Accepting that not everyone is meant to stay forever can be painful, but it also opens the door to new connections and a deeper understanding of ourselves.
