Ever since the girls in my friend group entered their twenties, something strange has been happening.
The same girls who used to talk about their dream careers, travel plans and passions have suddenly started sounding like Charlotte York from Sex and the City. They anxiously ask “Where is he?” — referring, of course, to their future husband.
Every time I hear it, I think of Miranda Hobbes and her sharp observation: “How did it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?”
And look, this isn’t me trying to sound superior. I love love. I’m not above the thrill of a romantic connection, the butterflies or the excitement.
But it genuinely pains me to see my brilliant, ambitious and beautiful friends — and readers — feel disheartened because a guy didn’t text back or because they’re single on Valentine’s Day. It’s as if their entire self-worth hinges on whether someone else chooses them.
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
Somewhere along the line, we were sold the idea that romantic love is the ultimate prize and that being single is some kind of failure. We’ve been conditioned to think that if you’re not in a relationship, you’re somehow incomplete.
But, here’s the truth — romantic love is just one kind of love. It’s not the centerpiece of life unless you make it that way. Honestly, that’s a pretty fragile foundation to build your happiness on.
Decentering romantic love in your life doesn’t mean you become a cynic. It means recognizing that there are other forms of love that deserve just as much attention — friendship, self-love, passion for your work and the joy of everyday adventures.
Funny enough, ever since I swore off of looking for romance, my life has become so much more romantic. This isn’t because a boyfriend came knocking unexpectedly at my dorm room on one fateful day, but rather because I started noticing love in places I used to overlook.
I see it during long walks while listening to my favorite songs, when I’m laughing with friends until my stomach hurts or when I get lost in a book that feels like it was written just for me.
People who desperately try to date often miss this point. They think finding love is about swiping more, texting strategically or going on countless dates.
But if you’re miserable in your own life, no relationship is going to fix that.
A partner isn’t a band-aid for boredom or insecurity.
My advice? Get busy, and start pouring your energy into things that light you up. You can find love in your friends, hobbies and in your own life.
The goal isn’t to stop wanting romantic love. It’s to stop acting like your life is on hold until love arrives. You are not a half waiting to be made whole. You already have everything you need within you.
So, this Valentine’s Day, stop whining. Seriously. Your relationship status is not a tragedy — it might even be a blessing.
Think of all the freedom you have. You get to make decisions without compromise and discover who you are without anyone’s influence. Trust me, the day you’ll have to sleep next to someone everyday — yes, every day, even when you just want to blast some sad Lana Del Rey and stare at the ceiling dramatically — might make you miss your solo era.
Go out and celebrate the love you already have — in your friendships, your passions and your growth. Plan a fun night with friends. Take yourself on a solo date. Buy yourself flowers. Fill your day with things that bring you joy.
But don’t only do this because you’re compensating for being single — you deserve a life filled with love in all its forms. Don’t sit around waiting for someone to show up and make your life magical. You’ve got that power already.
Ironically, that’s usually when romantic love shows up — it’s not when you were desperately searching for it, but when you were too busy living a life you already learned to love.
