KIRLAND: A day to forget

Thank God for Valentine’s Day. Just when you start to get depressed because it has been so long since Christmas or Hanukkah, and it seems like it’s taking forever to reach St. Patrick’s Day and Marathon ‘Let’s-All-Get-Hammered-and-Forget-That-It’s-a’ Monday, you get to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Heck, it even falls on a Saturday this year!

Everyone loves Valentine’s Day, right? There’s no doubt in my mind that every man and boy wishes he could personally thank the thoughtful people at Hallmark for giving him yet another reason to dip into his wallet and spend some money on his wife, girlfriend, crush or even temporary hook-up.

Men of all ages love Valentine’s Day more than the Super Bowl, a cold beer and the ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue combined. Every guy cherishes the opportunity to take time out to visit Tiffany’s or his local florist. Never mind that the cheapest piece of jewelry at Tiffany’s sets you back $200 or that the dozen roses costs you about $40. Then, after dropping another $75 at a fancy dinner, the look of feigned happiness and the tears that your lover sheds – because she ‘loves’ your taste in jewelry and thinks it was ‘creative’ that the roses you got were actually tulips because they cost less – make it all worth it.

It’s a win-win situation for us guys really. Not only do we get to go shopping, but we also get to make the ones we love happy for only a couple hundred bucks. Shucks, we know that our selfless better halves will most likely say, ‘I don’t expect anything at all. Seriously.’ Females say what they mean. They wouldn’t say one thing and mean another. Seriously. So undoubtedly, if you actually listened to them and didn’t buy them anything, they most certainly wouldn’t say things like ‘you insensitive jerk’ or ‘dumb idiot, of course I wanted something – don’t you listen to me?’

All girls really want on this day dedicated to love is, well – Jesus and Hot Dog! I can’t keep this charade up any longer. Valentine’s Day is by far the worst holiday of the year. I think more males would rather celebrate Kwanzaa if given the choice because at least there’s a chance you’ll get a present, right? I mean, it is one thing to go all out for your wife, girlfriend, crush or temporary hook-up – not sure about this last one – on Christmas and your anniversary and not expect much back. But it is plain cruel to be required to give an expensive gift on a cold, random winter day when there are no carolers singing or fat guys coming down chimneys with presents.

Contrary to how I may sound, I am not a selfish person. I am more than happy to get presents for people I love on appropriate occasions. But Valentine’s Day is not an appropriate occasion. In fact, it makes no one happy. People with significant others of any kind only get stressed because they know they have to come up with something special for the least special occasion of the year. On the other hand, the people who don’t have anyone only get depressed because they don’t have anyone to get stressed about. What a holiday.

So instead of getting stressed and depressed this Valentine’s Day, I have come up with some alternative options. For those guys out there with girlfriends, wives, et cetera: don’t go out to dinner. The economy stinks worse than Cupid’s dirty diaper – or whatever that demonic cherub wears – so it makes no sense to blow the money that you’ll probably need for a good birthday or Christmas gift. Make some mac and cheese for your lady, get a couple candles and rent ‘Braveheart.’ If you can convince her that you got it because it’s really about the love story between William Wallace and Murron, she’s worth keeping around and maybe stopping by Tiffany’s for next Valentine’s Day.

As for all of those people out there without dates on February 14th, I have a better idea. Since all the taken people are out with each other or at home watching ‘Braveheart,’ why doesn’t everyone else go out? That way, if you are attracted to someone at a party or bar, the chances that the love story in your head will have a happy ending is more likely because the person must be single. No Tiffany’s. No tulips (or roses). No expensive dinner. No problem. So to recap: If you’re single, go out. If you’re not, have some mac and cheese and Mel Gibson. Valentine’s Day is nothing to get all excited about. Let’s not get caught in Hallmark’s trap. After all, real holidays are on their way. Get your livers ready because it’s only 65 days until Marathon Monday.