GLANDER, SAUER AND FORSTER: Bikes, grammar, heartbreak

Dear Nancies,

So Im a COM major & Im really angry about the dumb grammar lessons’?that we need too take. Its like, BU is really expensive and it’s workload is heavy enough as it is-why are we burdened by extra busy-work that we learned in highschool? My debit card and PIN number might as well be given to the university and they can spend my money at they’re will- and I’ll just stay in my dorm. Please, please, and please help me out as soon as possible.

-Aggrivated in Myles Annex??

Dearest Aggrivated,??????

Where should we even begin? Eons ago, when Thomas Jefferson erected this beloved university, he also set up a few ground rules. He said that the university should be a sprawling campus of learning and virtue, that our mascot should be one that displays the strength and stature of the student body, that our trolley system should punctually connect us with the greater Massachusetts Bay area and that if more than six girls are living together then their residence should be considered a brothel. But above all, he said that our educators should stress the importance of a well-structured sentence.

As the years go on, though, his founding rules have started to unfurl, and the few classes left that offer grammar lessons are the only things connecting us with the founding fathers of our pristine nation. In fact, did you know that the first majors offered at Boston University were actually ‘Grammar’ and ‘Thinking?’ Now, however, it has become easy to forget that the correct placement of commas and apostrophes is entirely necessary for the comprehension of a sentence. People have forgotten what they are referring to when they say ‘their.’ Fellow students glaze over the fact that using symbols or contractions in formal letters to, say, a newspaper, is impolite. They forget that extra hyphens, passive voice and acronym redundancy are directly related to our judgment of them as human beings. So our advice to you is to pay close attention during each grammar lesson, because, damnit, you’re American.??????

But, on the reals, we commend you for your Oxford comma use-we have no qualms with those.

Sincerely,

The Nancies??

Dear Nancies,

??????It’s my freshman year of college, and my high school boyfriend and I are trying the whole long distance relationship thing. We’ve been together for two years, and we love each other like woah, but I’m worried that being thousands of miles apart is going to take a toll on us. What are your thoughts on long-distance relationships?

-Lovelorn

PS: please reply using only clich’eacute;s.?

Dear Lovelorn,

??????We’ve been down that road before. When the going gets tough, just remind yourself that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and every rose has its thorn. Your boyfriend sounds like the apple of your eye, but we’re not going to judge a book by its cover here. There’s no beating around the bush ‘- there will be times when it seems as if you’re out of sight, out of mind, but that’s only because you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Just don’t count your chickens before they hatch, and you’ll see the silver lining in this cloud. At the end of the day, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We hope this advice helps you help yourself.

Cordially,

The Nancies?

Dear Nancies,??????

I hate the bikers on Commonwealth Avenue. I find myself fighting the urge to pelt them with rocks as they pass by on the road or sidewalk. Why can’t they choose one or the other? Am I wrong? Should I succumb to this wretched duality or follow through and open fire?

-Vicious Cycle?

Dear Vicious,??????

Bikers are an odd breed indeed, and though it may seem as though they have it easy, blurring the lines and choosing whichever path is more advantageous at the moment, their lives really are a constant battle. These pedaling lifestyles straddles the fine distinction between pedestrian and car, and believe us, the struggle for vehicular identity is not an easy one to overcome. Quite frankly, it seems our society isn’t prepared to accept a transport that ‘goes both ways’ ‘- a ‘bi-cyclist’ if you will. We of faithful allegiance can’t seem to understand: How can they both be equally desirable? Is there truly a symbiotic relationship with both the road and the sidewalk? Or is one just a fa’ccedil;ade? Is the biker really just a closet runner?? These are all interesting musings, but I think what it comes down to is that ridiculous garb. Everything about this creature is confusing, but the spandex belongs indoors. Open fire, Vicious, this is New England. If we can’t oppress them, we can certainly give them a makeover.

Indubitably,

The Nancies