A loss of innocence means a wide range of decisions

I spent two hours getting everything right. My hair was perfect, my make up was flawless, and I was having a thin day. He was going to be there, and I wanted him to see me at my best. When I got the party, I was already a little buzzed. My girls and I had a few drinks in my room at Sleeper, so I was feeling confident about strutting my stuff. Finally, at 11:30 p.m., he strolled in with his “posse,” and they began to work the room.

I sat on the couch talking to this guy trying to make myself look occupied — he noticed. He came over lifting the other guy literally off the couch and sat next to me. I swooned over his efforts to impress me. Every 10 minutes or so I would get closer to him. We talked, and he kept my glass full. We were having a great time. He was getting really into me. I wanted him to like me, so when he took my hand and escorted me to his room down the hall, I went. I didn’t realize how drunk I was until I got up. The room was doing somersaults, and I wasn’t seeing straight.

We had hooked up before, so I wasn’t against making out for a little while. We were going at it when I started to feel really uncomfortable for some reason. I wanted to leave, and I told him so. I was slurring uncontrollably, and I was in no condition to be hooking up.

Suddenly, he got mad and started calling me a bitch and a cock tease. I got really upset and began to cry. I stumbled to my feet and staggered toward the door. He then ran in front of me and with wild eyes told me that was not an option. What happened after that, I wasn’t really there for. I mean, I was there physically, but I was somewhere else in my mind. The next thing I know I am sitting at the table sobbing into my hands with blood all over my skirt.

My “friends” came over to me and asked what was the matter, and I told them. They knew him, and quickly corrected me: “Honey, you lost your virginity! Welcome to the world of womanhood girl.” They ignored my skirt and my tears, so I left the party alone. When I got back to West Campus, I took a hot shower and stayed in for two hours just crying.

At least I wasn’t another West Campus Freshman Virgin, right? I mean, he was a junior and an athlete and all the girls thought he was hot. He chose me over every girl at that party. So, I made up my mind that instant about how I was going to deal with this:

1- Guys want sex. I knew this when I was in high school, and I know it now. I had definitely wanted my first time to be special, but no one has a good first time. I wasn’t a virgin anymore, so I figured I would sleep with a lot of guys to find one I liked. There was nothing shameful about getting some experience. I was going to forget about it and put it behind me.

2- I was going to call my friend and have her go to the hospital with me. I was leading him on, and it wasn’t his fault. I just wanted to make sure I was OK. He didn’t use a condom and that worried me a lot. I didn’t even want to think about a blood test, but I realized I should take a pregnancy test. I read that it is important to get checked out if something like this happens. After the hospital, I would never bring it up again. I would tell my friend it was just a problem with my period, so she wouldn’t know. I wanted no one to know. I was going to keep it to myself so no one would think I was a slut.

3- What happened was unacceptable. No one was allowed to take anything from me, especially something like that. I was going to go down to the police station with my good friend to tell them what happened. I knew they were going to ask me horrible questions, but I was going to be strong and answer them. Then I was going to the hospital for a rape survival kit. The shower could have effected the results, but I wasn’t concerned with that at the moment. My virginity was gone forever. I always dreamt of giving it to the first guy I fell in love with, but that is a gift I will never be able to give. I decided to set up an appointment at 881 on the following Monday to speak to someone about what happened.