Lately, I just want to shut up.

It is not because I am afraid to take up space, nor due to shyness. I simply wish to remain silent.

It is exhausting trying to make the world, and people, understand you, no matter how much you love them.

Every time I unplug — phone in my dorm and myself outside — I am at peace.

But keep in mind, this does require an adequate balance with speaking. We cannot be silent forever, but it can feel good not to contort your mouth to push out aimless words.

I do not want to eat dinner with you. I do not want to do anything. I simply wish to be.

I’ve come to notice this desire in myself after evening yoga practices. The body communicates enough through various breathwork, exercises and postures, so words are no longer needed.

I thank the teacher of the class, put on my Birkenstocks and head to the dining hall, utterly calm — though, as I am walking over, I always wish that I do not bump into anyone.

I don’t want to come off as mean, but I am so tired. My mouth doesn’t want to smile. Just let me cradle myself in a little nook at the West Campus dining hall so I can eat my chicken and rice in peace.

I sit by the window, savoring each bite of my food, taking long pauses to taste every flavor.

Looking out, I see everyone coming to the end of their equally tiring day. Some wish to go out and party, and some are content to sit on a bench while the breeze blows pleasantly down their neck.

This tiny vow of silence allows me to slip away from the constant obligation of responding to the world.

At this time, the muscles around my mouth rest, my mind is empty and my heart is silent. That is how it should be for all of us at least once a day.

No matter what routine I implement, I still have to wake up and plug in to check my notifications, do my homework and plan out the next week.

Despite all the planning, I remain very anxious.

Sometimes, as I sit there trying to play Tetris with my deadlines, I shudder at the burden of the world around me.

With a deep sigh, I ultimately get through it. But in the end — no matter how selfish it may seem to my loved ones reading this — I need to be alone.

In an ideal world, I’d be able to have silent days. However, as it is not feasible during an average college day, I choose to take a vow of silence whenever I can at the end of my day.

Even when I go back to my room at night, on my days of quiet, I keep the words to a minimum with my roommate.

I brew my chamomile tea, take my magnesium supplement and open the current book I am reading.

Less can truly be more. We give so much of ourselves during the day that there is nothing left to hold onto when the sun sets.

We praise loudness, as that is what seems to get us heard the most. However, in intentional silence, you make space to hear yourself.

No other thoughts or opinions pollute your body and soul, and the silence creates a dark void you can gently fall back into.

And it is neither frightening nor intimidating. Finally, there is calm.

It also does wonders for the frown lines caused by your 9 a.m. classes. Maybe that’s why people meditate.

I don’t know how I feel about prolonged sitting in one position, but in my own way, I choose to meditate and rest my thoughts. I fold everything that burdens me into the void and leave the unrest for another day.

On some days, it is harder to shut off than others. But I manage, as we all do and as we all must.

In this season of burdens, stress and change, maybe try your own vow of silence. Instead of twisting and contorting yourself to fit the outside world, try to see how it fits around you. Replenish your resources, for you cannot go on to live on nothing.

Speaking requires fuel, and oftentimes, I do not have enough remaining to do so. So, I take a vow of silence, my little moment of pleasure and resource in times of stress.

And in being “selfish” with myself, I feel ready to take on the world whenever I feel replenished.

Do not be ashamed that you are tired. I am, and that is human.

Be human, forgive yourself and release what needs to be released, for accumulating so much is a heaviness unlike any other.

Protect yourself and do what you must to fight for your peace, even if the battle remains silent.

Till we meet again,

N.