Despite millions of dollars in renovations and the construction of a new runway, MassPort chief executive officer and executive director Virginia Buckingham assured citizens today that Logan Airport would not deviate from its tradition of being the “most unpleasant place in the entire world.”
“Logan Airport has a long tradition of providing migraine headaches to all comers, regardless of age or national origin,” she said, adding, “Even Buddhist monks get headaches here, despite years of training to the contrary.”
She assured residents that, while some traffic patterns will be improved, “the traditional 45-minute check-in lines and the world-famous runway delays that attract aviators from all over the world will, most assuredly, not see any improvements.”
East Boston residents will actually see an increase of headaches, he said, as the new runway will allow the sound of many more planes to dominate their lives.
An MBTA “green line” train jumped off its tracks yesterday, killing all 80 passengers, 17 innocent bystanders, the driver and two people in a parked car.
The train, in the midst of its painfully slow 90-minute Government Center to Boston College cross-city route, known to locals as the “B” line, was coming around an especially dangerous turn at Packard’s Corner when the accident occurred. Unsubstantiated reports suggest that speed may have been a factor, as the train was travelling at 10 miles per hour instead of the recommended three.
Several witnesses reported seeing the train tip over onto its side before careening down Brighton Ave., its incredible momentum forcing it several blocks down the street. The train’s hulking mass reportedly sparked and screeched as it slid, taking out every parked car along the way.
One such car was occupied by a college couple who were reportedly “making out” at the time. They were both killed instantly.
Analysis of the recent MCAS results has resulted in a surprising finding: Schools in poorer districts with fewer resources, where students are more likely to come from working-class families and education is usually their only hope of advancement, are generally less effective in teaching students than their counterparts at rich schools.
Students in richer districts scored better on math, science, reading and writing sections of the exam, while the poor districts did manage to maintain a strong lead in the street smarts section.
MCAS supporters stood by their pledge to make the test a graduation requirement, saying, “This just takes our long standing efforts to make life miserable for poor people and minorities one step further, by denying them the opportunity to make more than $6 per hour at any point in their lives. We’re thrilled.”
Former education Chair John Silber was unavailable for comment, but could be heard cackling from the street outside his mansion. It was unknown if the cackling was related to this particular issue.
Cigarette Manufacturer Philip Morris, known to friends and colleagues as Sen. Trent Lott from Mississippi, and Exxon, referred to as Sen. Mitch McConnell from Kentucky in official records, voted against the Campaign Finance Reform bill approved by the Senate last week.
Exxon explained that he felt the bill was a threat to free speech and that limiting donations was tantamount to “taking the Constitution and burning the First Amendment.” Philip Morris simply explained that he was “pure evil.”
News In Brief:
Telephone company announces new 36-digit dialing requirement
– Customers will have to use numbers 4, 5 and 6 to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” before dialing the area code, the city code and finally the four-digit number that actually corresponds to their neighbor.
Boston Red Sox shock fans by blowing end of season
– Trained ape, guinea pig somehow not surprised.
Boston College wins hockey championship
– BU fans, desperately upset about new “2001” hockey taunt, find small solstice in their school’s proximity to city, lack of “inbred white boys.”
State announces PE MCAS
– Kickball, Ultimate Frisbee to be made graduation requirements.
Attorney General John Ashcroft injures foot metaphorically beating black man to death
– He denies racial profiling was involved
Pres. Bush spends evening watching Bambi
– Asks advisors, “Is any deers going to be killed in Alaska?”
David Horowitz places ad in student newspaper calling Native Americans “lucky” for having lived on land that was eventually colonized by England.
– “If they had been colonized by South Africa,” he said, “they would all have AIDS.”
“Real” slate wins BU Student Union elections
– Actual students not affected in any way
Military servicemen refuse to take anthrax vaccine
– Soldiers argue, “We didn’t know you could get sick or die in the Army!”
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