FONTANA: Spring, where art thou?

While I was looking outside my dorm room window last night, wrapped in a warm blanket, sipping on some hot chocolate and feeling the warm glow of the cozy fire I started with my roommates’ linens, I realized something: the sun was shining awfully bright, there was no snow on the ground and a few reckless individuals appeared to braving the Siberian gales of the Commonwealth tundra. And suddenly it dawned on me: it’s spring already. “Ding ding ding! We have a winner, winner winner, chicken dinner, come on down!” That, of course, came from the group of game show hosts hibernating under my bed (Lord knows, I’d still be asleep if it weren’t for them). But if they were awake, well, surely it must be spring. Correction: it is now the 10th day of spring and I think we’re all do for a little catch-up with Mother Nature.

I recommend starting this excursion into the ever-changing environment by watching a short film by Mr. Heat Miser entitled “Going Outside.” This documentary style film is apparently quite the amazing experience. People are all aflutter about this new film. They are said to be able to “breathe more fully,” children say you’ll be “mesmerized by the light,” the elderly say going outside is “natural” and a few have even been known to “meet new people.” “Going Outside” got an 86 percent on rotten tomatoes, made The New York Times bestseller list and landed right behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday” on iTunes top 10 songs of the week (and really what’s the point of going outside unless you know what day it is, right?).

After watching this film you may even rediscover things about yourself that you had forgotten. I found myself asking, “What’s this soft thing underneath my 72nd layer of winter clothing? Is that? Could that be? No, no, I evolved past that old thing years ago.” Yes, you heard it right folks, it’s skin! Pure genuine skin. It’s flexible, fashionable and everybody’s favorite body covering this season and you can make it your very own right now. Yet some might wonder, “Will this ‘skin’ enhance my viewing of “Going Outside”?

The answer: of course it will. It’s good for all sort of wonderful things, like protecting your internal organs, decorating with tattoos and leaving notes for yourself to find years later. It’s low maintenance and only requires a simple daily washing. (Warning: if skin comes in contact with the sun, results may include redness, stinging, soreness, peeling and cancer. Children under the age of three should not use skin. Keep skin away from fire, electricity and sharp objects. Use at your own risk). Personally, I bought the movie twice, just for the extra skin.

Even our wonderful Boston University beach is just starting to get its new layer of sand. The seagulls have begun congregating along the benches and the tanning chairs and towels will be returning to specific locations very soon. I can feel the warm ocean waves already. And if you listen closely, I think you can hear, yes, it’s Mr. Willy Wonka himself, singing, “In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding… a-ding, a-ding.” Isn’t spring amazing?

Yet I can’t help by wonder if something is wrong. I’ve revealed my skin, watched and fully understood “Going Outside,” and have successfully waited for spring. So what on earth could be the matter?

Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s still freezing outside. Maybe it’s that for the first two days of spring there was snow falling down from cloudy skies. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because it’s still freaking freezing cold outside. Funny how all the fun of spring disappears when spring seems to miss its own wakeup call. My theory? Spring got a card that said, “Go directly to winter. Do not past summer, do not collect warm weather” and is still waiting to roll for doubles.

While it may be “Springtime for Hitler,” it is certainly winter for Boston and Massachussetts. I’m not sure there’s a quick fix for this one, no witty solution or even a prescription drug from a local doctor. No, I think we have but two paths laid out before us: either we can put on shorts, skip around in flip-flops and start force-feeding the ground with flowers, pretending our hearts out that it really is spring, or, adhere to a more preferable solution. We can pretend we saw our shadows and go back to sleep for two more weeks.

As a friend of mine simply stated: “Spring should just be pushed back.” As much as it disheartens me to say it, I think that good old Punxsutawney Phil may have gotten it right this time around. Well, spring there you have it. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

David Fontana is a sophomore at the College of Arts and Sciences and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at fontad5@bu.edu.