In October of 2001, Apple introduced the iPod to an American consumer landscape that had just gotten the hang of the Discman. It was to be the future of portable music as we knew it, with a whopping 5 GB hard drive, monochrome display and a sticker price of $399. Sure, the idea of 1,000 songs in my pocket seemed great at the time, but I still doubted the mp3 revolution would ever really take hold. Of course, as with many of my cultural predictions, I was horribly wrong. In just a few short years, and with the help of U2, the iPod has seemingly found its way into the hands of every aurally competent human on the planet, a group that now includes Pope Benedict XVI.

That’s right. The Holy Father recently accepted an iPod nano from a group of Vatican Radio employees. According to the Catholic News Service, the device came preloaded with a vast array of the station’s regular programming, as well as compositions by the likes of Beethoven, Mozart and Tchaikovsky. But I don’t believe these presets are an adequate use of the space on His Holiness’ hard drive. I mean, just because he’s a man of the cloth doesn’t mean he only wants to listen to radio documentaries and classical music. Therefore, as my gift to the pope, I present my ultimate papal playlist:

“99 Problems” – Jay Z. Although not a religious track per se, it is a song to which Benedict XVI can truly relate. Mass attendance is down, collections are meager, and Scientology seems to claim a new impressionable celebrity every six minutes. He may have 99 problems to face every day, but thanks to a vow of chastity, a bitch certainly ain’t one.

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” – Charlie Daniels Band. Of course he will enjoy any tale about triumphing over Lucifer, but slaying the Devil with a fiddle? That’s a battle between good and evil that even Milton couldn’t have imagined.

“God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” – ‘NSYNC. Sure, he may reject the notion of God playing favorites, but it’s nearly impossible to resist the charisma of JC Chasez, the angelic voice of Justin Timberlake or the autistic charm of Lance Bass.

“King without a Crown” – Matisyahu. Let’s be honest, it’s what Jesus would have listened to as a hip Jewish kid growing up in Nazareth. There’s just absolutely nothing cooler than Hasidic reggae. Well, maybe Hasidic mariachi.

The Da Vinci Code (Audiobook) – Dan Brown. Every literate person on earth has read the book, and it’s time the pope got on board as well. He doesn’t have to read Angels and Demons, though. That would just hit too close to home.

“Like a Virgin” – Madonna. Just for the look on his face when he realizes this song tells the story of a conception that was anything but immaculate.

“Jesus Walks” – Kanye West. If there is anyone who understands what it’s like to need Jesus as much as Kathy Lee needed Regis, it’s the pope. It would also be a great song for those early morning cardio workouts with the Swiss Guards on the Vatican elliptical machines.

“Puer Natus Est Nobis: Intriot (Modo VII)” – The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos. A Gregorian chant for when he wants to kick it “old school” and maybe pour out some communal wine for John Paul II.

“My Humps” – The Black Eyed Peas. Not only would this song allow the pope to better connect with a youth culture that is becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the Church, but it would allow him to practice all of his trademark dance moves like the “Holy Water Sprinkler,” the “Sign of the Cross” and everyone’s favorite, the “Excommunication.”

“Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin. Of course this is the final song on the list; not only does it concern the afterlife, but it’s the greatest rock song ever recorded. Yes, when played backwards it reveals undertones of Jimmy Page’s obsession with Satan worship and the dark arts, but played forward it’s nothing short of a religious awakening. Besides, as such a wise man, the pope may be one of the only people in the world who can possibly decipher what Robert Plant means by “If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow / Don’t be alarmed now.”

If Benedict XVI would actually incorporate this list into his audio rotation, maybe we would see the breakdown of many papal stereotypes, giving the Church a fresher, more accessible feel. Steve Jobs and company could start trading on the pope’s image and put out a line of signature-series iPods. He could even star in his own commercials, dancing to Daft Punk in front a blue screen while his staff and mitre complete the most recognizable silhouette in the world. Apple may have sold close to 37 million iPods in 2005, but imagine what their sales would be after tapping into the image of the leader of more than a billion Catholics worldwide. Even Bono can’t compete with those kinds of results.