“What’s your major?” “Where are you from?”
I’ve been in college for a little over a month, and I’ve had the same talk almost 100 times. I don’t think I can remember a single person’s name from those conversations.
Although every good relationship starts with a basic understanding of each other, it is difficult to stop everyone from blending together in my mind when their identifier is an Instagram handle.
Every time I greet someone, it starts with an introduction of what they are studying, where they are from and how that place affects their opinion about the weather. The weather is really not that interesting.
Sometimes I get lucky enough that we discuss our extracurricular activities and hobbies. It pretty much stops there if it even gets to that point.
There was one specific moment where I knew these surface-level communications were going to be a tricky part of college life. It was my first week here, and I was walking with my head down through the crowd on the field during the welcome barbecue at BU’s orientation week.
Everybody was talking to new people, and my head was swimming with all the faces of the people I’d just been introduced to. People were nice, yet I felt I was having the same conversation over and over again.
So, I decided to switch it up.
I asked one group of new people what color they identified with. They all stared at me, looking very confused. But, quickly, they responded with their favorite colors, told me it was nice to meet me and walked away.
This question may seem dumb, but it felt like an easy way for people to open up about themselves. Starting with a random question can get people out of their comfort zones.
Small talk isn’t necessarily a bad thing when getting to know someone. Conceptually, knowing where people are from and what career they want is a great foundation for further connection.
Where this becomes tricky is when it stops at these shallow conversations. Many of these quick chats are fun and entertaining, but they end there. I think at least 50 people in Boston know I’m from Los Angeles, yet they have no idea what I value in life or even what my name is.
Every time I engage in a conversation with a new person, we exchange Instagram handles and like each other’s posts for the next few weeks. Through my device, I see the fun they are having with their friend group, the food they eat over the weekend and an adorable birthday shoutout to their hometown friend.
Instagram and other social media platforms are a great way to learn about people and reach out to them. What my generation gets confused about is this is not a replacement for real conversation.
I often stop and stare at the people walking up and down Commonwealth Avenue, who I recognize but cannot seem to place. Ninety-nine percent of the time I know them from social media, but I don’t actually know them personally.
Digital conversation can have a great influence on getting to know others, but it can set back relationships. No conversation through text can make up for any sort of in-person discussion.
Amidst it all, I have managed to have multiple impactful conversations. I’ve made connections with people through bonding about family, religion, friend drama or anything else that is more personal.
What makes these conversations stand out is the vulnerability and trust we put in each other. Of course, it is not appropriate to dump all your traumatic experiences and political preferences on someone you just met — but it is more about the sentiment of openness.
We, as teenagers and young adults, are way too afraid to be honest and potentially offend others. Nobody wants to offend anybody or purposely say anything that might make someone else uncomfortable. Still, as long as you and your conversation partner have set aside that space to be open, anything is fair game.
New connections are better fostered through deep conversations, where each person is open and takes the time to get to know one another on a deeper level.
Communication in a new place is tough — especially among college students who always have their heads buried in their devices, only able to talk through direct messages. By taking a moment to get to know someone outside of where they are from and what their major is, we can begin to foster quality relationships.
