Lately, I’ve been heading to bed earlier, so I can wake up before my alarm and watch the sunrise. 

It kind of happened naturally, but I am glad it did because it has made me appreciate what I used to ignore.

I get up to do my skincare routine, so I can later climb back into my warm bed and have some quiet time.

It is often too dark to read or journal, so I am left to my own wits, which doesn’t happen often.

I begin to appreciate the minute things — how the sun slowly creeps in, the room gets lighter and my thoughts become clearer. 

Speaking of thoughts, my brain has been full of them lately — but not in a bad way.

I try to keep track of the repetitive ones by writing them down, so here are some worthy of sharing — no pun intended.

The yellowing trees

I was staring out the window during my philosophy discussion, the same window that has been there since the beginning of the semester, with its view of willow trees. 

Now, though, the trees were completely yellow.

When did we fall into autumn? I recalled editing articles, excited about the changing season, while it was still pushing 80 degrees outside.

How seamlessly did we take out our jackets and start craving squash, soups and warming teas?

Everywhere I go, I observe the yellow trees. I am filled with sadness because I know grey November will approach us soon. 

Loneliness

Without any external stimulation, there is nothing to face but yourself and the tasks you’ve been putting off. So who are you when you are left alone?

Maybe you like to live your life in a completely different way than you thought you did. Maybe you want to spend time with new people. Or perhaps you just ponder what movie you could watch next weekend.

I, for example, have learned that I enjoy eating dinner earlier, so I can have at least two hours before bed, where I can drink tea and read. This has resulted in me not seeing my friends as often for meal times because they usually eat later in the day. But that’s okay, because this is what works for me.

There is pressure to constantly cater to other people’s tastes because you don’t want to be left alone for long periods of time, but it is not as bad as you might think.

Of course, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth and become a recluse, but through spending so much quality time with myself, I’ve learned to value what makes me feel the best without considering others’ opinions in the equation.

I meet up with friends without overstepping boundaries I’ve made with myself. In the end, it is all a compromise. I can sit back and enjoy my sunrises, changing leaves and evening sips of chamomile tea in peace.

So don’t be afraid to take time for yourself because you might lose people in college. The friends who truly want to be with you will stay, and those who aren’t meant for you will fizzle out.

The wind and pain

Has anyone else noticed the cozy breeze that has been providing us with a refreshing chill lately? I love the way the wind unearths my hair and tickles my neck.

I guess there is nothing special about this. But in moments where I find myself rushing off to class, I’ll find the wind gently guiding me, making me feel alive again.

I am called to slow down and enjoy this time for what it has to offer me. My past self couldn’t afford this luxury of being present.

I’ve been reflecting on my past approaches to life and have realized how much of what I’ve achieved has stemmed from a “cup’s half-empty” mindset. 

I often beat myself up over the qualities I lack and the negative experiences I’ve faced. I thought it was simply part of my design to constantly choose the hard road and suffering, or else I wouldn’t be able to feel worthy of peace.

In our lives, many of us have experienced great pain. As a result, we try to grasp our routines as tightly as we can, leaving no time to come up for air once in a while.

Now, I seem to be growing comfortable with allowing myself to have some free time.

It is because of moments like appreciating the cool breeze on my skin that I’ve learned not everything in life is defined by major milestones and earth-shattering hardships.

Sometimes, the hardest choice is choosing to be kind to yourself.

It is so easy to hate, but that never resolves problems — it only leads to further suffering.

I am still plagued with anxiety and negative thoughts about myself. I often think I am not enough. I am not smart enough. I am not thin enough. I am not worthy of love. You get the gist. 

But lately, I’ve been able to quiet that voice and replace it with kindness.

Nobody has been crueler to me than I have been. 

On purpose and alignment

I’ve been trying to stay grounded in routines that bring me happiness, because I’ve realized, in the end, you are the one who has to deal with yourself. 

Choose to do activities that align with your purpose, and watch everything else fall into place.

What feels good? What does your heart flutter at the mention of? When do you feel the best?

These small acts of noticing are what have made me appreciate my life a lot more. I used to be extremely pessimistic and dismissive of anything that didn’t help me advance in one way or another.

But to live and breathe, doing what you love while being surrounded by the people that love you, is the greatest advance to strive for in my expertise. 

What else are you going to do but achieve your goals? Of course, you are going to sit down and study for an exam because you want a good grade. Those aren’t the goals to be worried about, because as long as you orient yourself towards what you want, it will work out.

The goal of life isn’t measured by big achievements — but all the moments in between that have led us to them. 

Those are my thoughts for the week.

Till we meet again,

N.