HAGEN: Life in a search box

America, I can read your mind. I can dive into your psyche to reveal all of your most burning questions and desires. I know exactly what you fear, what you love and what you long for. Thanks to Google Streaming Search Results, America, you cannot hide from me.

I am sure you have used Google in the last few weeks, if not the last five minutes, so you have probably noticed the new search tool. Google believes they know exactly what people want, so when you begin to type a query into the search bar, it will immediately show the most likely options of what you are looking for before you even finish entering the full sentence. For example, if you begin to type "what is," Google immediately gives you a bevy of options including "what is my ip," "what is love" and "what is Sookie." This means these three options have been the most popular searches starting with "what is" in America recently. To save you some time, an IP address is a number assigned to any device that is involved in computer networks, love is a battlefield and Sookie is a character from "True Blood". Or maybe it's "Jersey Shore"? "Dancing with the Stars"? I might not care but apparently the rest of the country does.

Google Streaming Search Results proves to be a great tool in analyzing America's curiosity. I decided to start out by looking into what Americans most want to learn how to do in life. According to the search "how to," we are dying with anticipation about how to "tie a tie," "get rid of fruit flies," "kiss" and "train a dragon." I am undoubtedly certain that those last two searches often go together.

Next I learned what intriguing mysteries Americans are most interested in solving. After typing in "why is," my results included "the sky blue," "my poop green" and "Boston called Beantown." It appears Boston College students have been using Google a lot lately.

I also wanted to gauge American opinion on popular public figures. To do this I typed in the name of the person and then "is." Apparently we believe that Obama is "an idiot," "a Muslim" and "the Antichrist." Republicans do not fare that much better because Sarah Palin is "an idiot," "a joke" and the rather un-PC "retarded" (your word America, not mine). Matt Damon, on the other hand, is "hot," possibly "dead" and "Jewish" and kittens are "cute" and "cuter than puppies." I have therefore concluded after this extensive research that in the 2012 presidential election, kittens have the best chance of winning followed by Matt Damon. Granted, of course, that he is actually alive.

I think the greatest power Google has bestowed is the ability to understand the mind of the opposite sex. The question "Why do women..." reveals a great deal about the different type of men in today's society. When entered, the suggestions which are shown include "cheat" (men who are bitter), "wear thongs" (men who have a valid question) and "have their periods" (men who don't understand biology). For women when I typed in "Why do men..." I was given "cheat" (women who are bitter), "lie" (women who are still bitter) and "get morning wood" (seriously, women?). Curious to see what men and women desire out of a relationship, I input "how do I get my boyfriend to..." and received "propose" as the top search. When I did the same for males with "how do I get my girlfriend to..." the top search was "shut up." I feel as if there may be a disconnect there.

I decided to enter the absolute depths of stupidity in this country, which is a difficult task since &- and I think our Antichrist president would agree with me &- you have to go very far down to find it. Google will help cut down on your voyage time by allowing you to enter the phrase "Is it a good idea to...". Apparently our society has a dangerous obsession with playing with radiation since two of the top suggestions include "microwave smoke bombs" and "microwave a helium balloon." Yes, we have traveled very far down.

What have I concluded about the American psyche from this experiment? People in our society are lazy. We depend on search engines to answer questions which are fundamentally obvious if we just take the time to find out for ourselves. Are Barack Obama and Sarah Palin idiots? Research their political discourses, listen to their speeches, read about policy they have passed and come to your own conclusion. Typing in a preconceived notion about someone or something is only going to field someone else's opinion. Do you want to learn how to kiss? Kiss someone. You want to know why women like wearing thongs? Ask a real woman (preferably not a stranger). And if you want your boyfriend to propose, talk to him about &- wait for it &- proposing! This is a big world and while the Internet is useful in answering some things that may be impossible to find on your own (I honestly have no idea how to get rid of fruit flies) most answers can be revealed through first-hand experience. Despite what the founders of Google might want you to think, life can't be discovered in a search engine box. After all, "life is good," or so Google suggests. Go find out for yourself.