For the past few seasons, the NFL has played several games each year at Wembley Stadium in London, in the hopes of expanding the sport’s international brand and preempting a potential permanent franchise across the pond.
It would be fair to say that the venture has had mixed success; the attendance for the London games has consistently topped 80,000, but the games so far have not been of the highest caliber. So far the games this year have included a victory by the Jacksonville Jaguars and a tie involving the Washington Redskins and Cincinnati Bengals. I have no shame admitting that, even as a Redskins fan, those games spark very little interest in me, so I can only imagine how they are perceived by the average Brit who doesn’t understand why all the players are wearing helmets and why everyone stops running every 10 seconds.
Whether or not the NFL will manage to give the British more interesting American football games remains to be seen. But I would like to briefly imagine what a world full of English NFL fans would look like. I think it would be a lot of fun.
2017 — Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings:
English fans are thrilled that for the first time, their country is playing host to a legitimate rivalry game. After learning that Packers fans are traditionally called “Cheeseheads,” many attendees show up to the game wearing hats made of Wensleydale. The game is low-scoring, as both teams are unable to put together drives due to the overwhelming smell of raw English cheese stank that fills the stadium. The clean-up crew has a nightmare of a time after the game is over as well. Aaron Rodgers throws a game-winning touchdown and finally makes the jump from American Golden Boy to International Superstar.
2018 — San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals:
After miraculously reviving his career, Colin Kaepernick leads a resurgent 49ers team against a division opponent in front of 90,000 at Wembley. However, Kaepernick still refuses to stand for the national anthem despite his teammates’ and coaches’ best efforts to explain that they are no longer in the same country. English fans are not pleased, and label the San Francisco quarterback, “a traitor to queen and country.”
2019 — Dallas Cowboys vs. Philadelphia Eagles:
The game starts off well, but things go off the rails when drunk Philadelphia fans begin getting into fights with a group of soccer hooligans looking to sabotage “this bollox brand o’ fake football.” After the game, TMZ photos emerge of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones partying with several young British girls. When asked about the incident, Jones says, “I can’t understand a darned thing they’re saying, but woo-wee they sure are purdy over here.”
2020 Super Bowl — Seattle Seahawks vs. London Knights:
In their first year as an NFL franchise, the London Knights make a miraculous run to the Super Bowl, where they face the aging but still dangerous Seahawks. The royal family shows up to the game in London Knights regalia, and Richard Sherman makes headlines by referring to them as “punks” and “scrubs” on live TV. The game is a success, but the most popular moment of the night comes when the Spice girls reunite for a performance of “Wannabe” during the halftime show.
If the coming games in London can be even half as eventful as this, I believe the NFL has a bright future across the Atlantic. After all, our two countries aren’t so different after all. We are both peoples who enjoy a nice cold drink while we watch our sports, we both have trouble confronting our colonial pasts (looking at you again, Redskins), and most importantly, we both love the Spice Girls. I mean seriously, Try getting that song out of your head now. You can’t. “TELL ME WHATCHA WANT, WHATCHA REALLY REALLY WANT, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT.”
