We all are almost too familiar with the scene. You’re conversing with a new boo-thang, talking through the night, stealing glances and giggles, trying to ignore the butterflies that haven’t been able to settle in your stomach. Things are going well until the conversation of exes rears its ugly head and slips on in. You laugh nervously, unprepared for the barrage of stories, perhaps reflecting on some of your own experiences. Soon, you’re waist-deep in stories about their “crazy” ex, cringing every time you hear accounts of things, some you may have done in your past, being described as “crazy.” Unsure what to do, maybe you laugh quietly and maybe even agree that yes, of course, she sounds “crazy.” For me, this is a major red flag.
Exes being considered as “crazy” is not a new phenomenon. I have heard it many times, in passing on the streets, whispered in front of me before class starts and from the lips of a prospective beau. Although I have always aimed to be inclusive with my writing, I cannot ignore that females are exponentially affected by the branding of “crazy.” How easily, I have observed, that women are passed off as “crazy,” “irrational,” and “hysterical,” by those who talk about them. Words such as these diminish voices and experiences of women, invalidating their emotions and stating that they lack rationality. Pulling from the stories that I’ve heard, typical “crazy” behavior includes trying to reach out post-breakup, deleting or blocking someone on Facebook or ignoring someone’s text messages. I have been guilty of all of these things, and possibly more. I have been called crazy for doing some of these things.
I believe that perceived “crazy” behavior is a reaction to another form of behavior. The guys that I have known to describe their exes as “crazy” have been the ones who frequently ghost, deciding to reappear when they believed you’ve moved on and have girlfriends they forget to tell you about. I know personally that their exes were not responding irrationally, they were probably asking for answers, trying to analyze a situation and understand why these things were happening. One does not just wake up and decide to act irrationally because they would like to. One may be pushed to act what others might perceive as “irrational” in response to being treated poorly.
We must demand that this form of rhetoric stops. The relaxed way in which the word crazy is thrown around does two destructive things. Calling women “crazy” diminishes their power, voice and experience, and furthers the stereotype of women as those who are irrational, hysterical and over-emotional. “Crazy” ends a conversation, disenfranchises feelings and experiences, and forces women to analyze their behavior and emotions instead of the person or situation that made them feel and behave a certain way.
This rhetoric also adds to the stigmatization of mental illness, as passing off a certain type of behavior as “crazy” undermines a real illness that affects many people. It invalidates their very real experiences.
“Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” is a television show that I have written about before, and it succeeds at starting the conversation about the societal perception of women. In the theme song for the first season, Rebecca responds to the background voices singing “she’s a crazy ex-girlfriend” with “that’s a sexist term!” The whole show plays with the perception of Rebecca as “the crazy ex-girlfriend.” Although she has behavior that some may perceive as outlandish, the audience is not given reason to believe that her behavior is unjustified or irrational. As a character that struggles with issues of mental illnesses that include childhood trauma and anxiety, the show makes the audience question what is perceived as mental instability and what may actually be mental illness.
It is able to start the conversation and makes us question where the perception of women as “crazy” comes from, and makes us question why people continue to use it.
This is not to say that we have to always talk about our exes by using the nicest terms, especially if they treated us a certain way or if things ended maliciously. This is to say that we should be cognizant of the way that we refer to our exes, especially ones we once told “I love you.” We should not invalidate their experiences and emotions; we should question what behavior made them feel a certain way. As a society, we should stop diminishing the actions of women or passing these actions off as “hysterical,” “irrational,” and “crazy.” We should try to listen to each other more, validate each other’s feelings and understand each other’s points of view. We should challenge the perception of women as being “crazy” and we should strive to reduce the stigma of mental illness.
Meredith loves telling stories and pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw, minus the man and comfy NYC apartment. She, however, eats enough brunch to cover all six seasons. When she's not drowning in 16th-century literature, she can be found lamenting over the bad grammar and bad boys in her middle school diary.
Find her on twitter @merewilsh or email her mwilsher@bu.edu with all your love musings or questions.
