Your first breakup is always the hardest: It rewires your brain. It breaks your heart in ways you didn’t know were possible.

You retrace every step that led to the breakup, wondering if you made the right choices. You are filled with every emotion humanly possible, and you try your best to handle them.

In my case, I was confused about everything that led to my relationship ending. I was angry that I let a cruel boy break my heart, and I was sad because I missed that cruel boy. I hated everything about the situation I found myself in, so I tried everything to get over my feelings.

I got rid of everything that reminded me of him and severed all forms of contact. I worked full time at my part-time job to distract me from thinking about him. It was working for a bit — that is, until I was overconsumed with the feeling of being alone.

I felt alone and thought I had no one to turn to. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends, as I didn’t want to tell them the guy I spent our whole relationship defending broke my heart. My family didn’t even know I was with someone in the first place, and I started avoiding my therapist. Mindless hookups didn’t bring me any sense of comfort. I needed something — or someone — to save me from drowning in my own loneliness.

That’s when he showed up. Let’s call him Aaron.

Aaron was sweet. Aaron was cute. Aaron was available. Most importantly, Aaron wasn’t my ex.

It started innocently enough: A movie date, where I let him hold my hand because it felt nice to do it again, and dinner dates, where I fake-laughed at his dumb jokes and he listened to me complain about work. Then, there were the late-night calls, where we talked about the mundanities of life, and flirty text messages that brought me a small rush.

I knew I didn’t want anything serious with him — only a little distraction. But what I didn’t know was that when you use someone to feel better, it only ends with you feeling worse.

The dates continued with quiet park picnics and nights out on the town. He drowned me in compliments — how handsome I was, how he liked my humor and how he had never felt like this before with anyone.

I felt his heart beating hard for me, while mine was still broken. He was falling hard for me, and I just watched it happen.

I know I should’ve ended it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could not lose the one thing that brought me some semblance of comfort. I missed the feeling of being wanted — even if it was from a man that I didn’t want back. I told myself I was healing. I told myself I deserved this after everything my ex put me through.

He put me through hell, so didn’t I deserve heaven?

But my heaven became my own personal hell. I hated what I was doing to Aaron, but I hated being alone more. I had a pit in my stomach with every compliment he gave me. Every sweet text I sent felt like a knife in my chest. The guilt began to eat me alive, but I couldn’t bring myself to end it.

So, I chose to push him away.

I stopped every serious conversation he started with a casual, sarcastic comment. I deflected every time he asked if everything was okay and told him I’m just so busy with work and family stuff. If he asked where this could be going, I told him I was in a weird place because I was leaving for school soon. I gaslit him in every possible way I could until he broke.

He bombarded me with texts, confronting me about how I’ve changed and wondering what we were. So I told him that it was casual, and he should’ve known that. He told me that he thought we were serious, and I told him we weren’t.

He proceeded to read me, throwing insults that I couldn’t disagree with. I deflected everything he said until he blocked me.

In the end, he left with the same broken heart that I started with.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably judging me for what I did. I understand, as I was judging myself again while writing this article. But I also understand if you — sadly — recognize yourself in my mistake.

No one is innocent when it comes to love. We hurt people, and people hurt us back. We all have our reasons for getting with someone.

In this case, I searched for comfort and a distraction in a guy who wanted connection. At times, we selfishly use people to get what we want.

It’s awful, but it’s human.

Do I feel bad? Yes.

But in the end, I mostly felt free.

I was free from the moral knot I was in because of my inability to acknowledge my incapacity for love.

But there’s a difference between being honest and being unnecessarily cruel with someone else’s feelings. I tried to justify my actions in every possible way, but justifications are not excuses.

I hated myself for what I did to Aaron, and I hated myself for letting my selfish needs get in the way of someone else’s heart.

But self loathing for your mistakes doesn’t change anything. I knew I had to fix myself before I caused any more damage.

So I faced what I’d been avoiding the entire month: my heartbreak.

Despite how hard it was, I sat with my loneliness and embraced the pain. I dropped my pride and told my friends about everything. I went to therapy and confronted every emotion I was feeling until there wasn’t anything left to decode. Piece by piece, I started healing from all the hurt that had been rotting inside me far too long.

When it comes to relationships, we shouldn’t avoid the truth. Knowing the difference between “I can’t love you” and “I won’t love you” saves us from wasting time and unnecessary pain. Being honest with ourselves prevents us from using it as an excuse to hurt others.

Pain is awful, but it’s a part of life — with every pain we feel, we learn a lesson.

Your first breakup always teaches you something. Mine taught me not to run away from my emotions, no matter how scary they might be.