You are going to be an idiot. I hate to make generalizations, but for the next week, it is true. OK, maybe not everyone will be, but if you are a college student traveling to your impoverished nation of choice to funnel down every alcohol known to man while pissing off the natives, then yeah, that is a role you cannot avoid.
Whether it is spent in Mexico, the Dominican Republic or any locale MTV decides to grace with its presence, this spring break, you are going to be doing some pretty stupid things. To avoid the potential of disaster, I have created a handy guide to help you navigate spring break and minimize embarrassment, suffering and regrets you may have in the morning.
First, if English is not the main tongue of the country to which you are traveling, you should probably learn some phrases of the native language. I have no idea which one of the hundreds of world languages it could be &- just kidding, it’s Spanish. I have prepared a few helpful phrases en español (in Spanish) that will be very useful. Courtesy of a friend abroad in Spain and a couple of friendly Dominicans, I’ve procured some important translations.
Phrase one: “Hola, me llamo” (Hello my name is). Phrase two: “Un trago de tequila, por favor.” (A shot of Tequila please). Phrase three: “Quiero otro trago, damelo doble” (Another shot, make it a double) Phrase four: “¿Por qué esta girando la sala?” (Why is the room spinning?) Phrase five: “Deberia haber comido el guzano al fondo de este vaso? Dios mio, estoy flipando, FLIPANDO!” (Should I have eaten that worm at the bottom of my glass? I am freaking out. FREAKING OUT!) .Phrase six: “Si, oficial, tengo mucho dinero Americano, mucho de dinero americano!” (Yes, officer. I have American money, lots and lots of American money.)
Staying safe should be your number-one priority. Yes, I said “staying safe,” not “drinking your face off.” Speaking of imbibing alcohol, you are probably going to a country where you are allowed to drink if you are under 21 or are simply tall enough to see over the bar.
You are also probably staying at a resort that offers unlimited drinks or some such deal. Multiple hotels in Mexico offer 50 hours of free drinks over seven days. That is approximately seven hours of access to an open bar a day. Be careful how you choose to spend this time. Spreading out drinks throughout the day is a good idea. Attempting to complete the first ever seven-hour keg stand is a bad idea.
There is a high chance you will lose one of your friends, only to find them three days later passed out under a table at Señor Frogs. This is easily avoidable if you institute a buddy system. The buddy system will also help you steer clear of other sticky situations.
Ladies, your best friend &- and her father &- will thank you in the future if you stop her from starring in the newest “Girls Gone Wild” video. Perhaps you think it is a good idea to drunk dial an ex-significant other to let them know how much fun you are having and how you are “shoooo mush better wid outchu!” You know what else you are so much better without? The wicked high roaming charges your phone bill are racking up. Buddy, don’t let them drunkenly touch that phone!
There are also some basic safety tips that should always be followed. Don’t drink the water. Your colon will thank me later. If you are on a cruise ship, don’t fall off. No matter how close your balcony appears to be to the hotel swimming pool, if you jump, you are not going to make it. For the love of all common sense, do not go anywhere with a stranger, and I hate to sound like your ninth grade health/gym teacher, but please use protection. This all may seem like common sense, but it is amazing how it can go flying out the window after the aforementioned seven-hour keg stand attempt.
So, to all of you spending your spring break abroad, heed my advice and everything should be fine. Whether sun, food or alcohol-related, I hope you avoid all poisonings.
And where will I be lounging next week? On my couch, watching VH1 marathons &-where I will remain pale and sober, but very content.
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