Dear Abby: I need to know — can men and women actually be friends? I’ve had both, but someone recently told me that all my guy friends probably had a crush on me — is this true? How do I know when someone sees our friendship as something more? If you’re attracted to your friend, is it bound to become something more?
Have you ever seen “When Harry Met Sally”? Your situation is practically mirrored in the scene where Harry and Sally are driving in the car and Harry says, “men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way,” to which Sally replies, “that’s not true, I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.”
I love that movie, and maybe it’s not the best one to prove my point, but it made me think about what you’re probably asking now: Can men and women actually be friends without the slightest bit of romance lurking behind the facade, waiting to pounce at any moment?
I think yes.
While my friend groups have been made up of primarily women, I have acquired a number of male friends over the years — some who had girlfriends and others who didn’t. By nature, more of those male friends just happened to be acquaintances, but with some of the closer ones — nothing ever became of our friendships besides, well, friendships.
I think it’s silly to assume that all men and women who are friends will inevitably end up romantically involved — that’s like saying that we simply have no impulse control or a basic handle on our emotions.
It’s even quite sexist — why couldn’t a man and a woman be friends after all? Why does the story of every relationship have to have some romantic, cuddly ending?
The Stereotypes
Remember back in elementary school when you would talk to your crush and your friends would all go “ooh” behind you? Or even worse — start the K-I-S-S-I-N-G rhyme? Me too. That’s exactly what it feels like to be friends with someone of the opposite sex.
You feel like outsiders are watching your every move, waiting for the moment when they finally catch you two holding hands or displaying any ounce of romantic affection.
It’s ingrained in everyone’s mind like a math equation: man + woman = relationship. That is unless one party doesn’t find the other attractive, but then that makes for an even more awkward conversation.
Anyways, there’s this big stereotype that all girls do is talk about getting with guys, and subsequently, all guys do is think about hooking up with girls. Are we really that shallow to believe that this is true?
I suppose looks play a big role in forming our relationships today, but do they really have to dominate every interaction? I mean, what happened to objectivity? Can’t we appreciate that someone is beautiful, but also has great friend qualities?
And for goodness sake, why is there always the presumption that if you’re single, you are always actively looking for a relationship? Maybe, some people are only in the market for friendships — just saying.
Friendships aren’t hard, just know your place
People love to say that someone always ruins the friendship by falling too hard or misinterpreting interactions. While that may not be entirely false, it’s not difficult to nip something like this in the bud — if it occurs at all.
Again, you can acknowledge that someone is conventionally attractive or conventionally has a good personality without wanting to date them.
Just read the room and notice how the other person is responding when you two are hanging out together. Unless made abundantly (and I mean abundantly) clear that the person is wanting to go beyond friendship with you, don’t start rushing ahead and turn a beautiful thing ugly.
Think about the things you would do with your bestie, but not with anyone else. Then, think about stuff you would do with your partner, but not anyone else. Apply that logic to the relationship that you’re dealing with and see where things go.
But don’t they say to marry your best friend?
Hey — I’m not saying that a platonic friendship can’t turn into a romantic one, but I don’t think that should be the end goal or mission in befriending someone of the opposite sex. If you approach every friendship like a relationship, things are going to get awkward real fast.
As I mentioned before, general attraction or admiration of their qualities is entirely separate from pure romantic feelings. You can still think your friends are beautiful or the greatest person in the world and not want to make out with them for this reason — it’s really not that hard.
Considering all this, I agree with Sally.
Listen, some of the most awesome close friends that I have had have been guys. I naturally have more friends who are women, but I am mature enough to also be able to have “just friends” of the opposite sex.
After all, I think having a diverse range of friends can only be to your benefit — especially because we all have such different perspectives based on our own life experiences.
