As much as I love writing about my experiences and healing techniques, I can’t write about my breakup forever. It prevents me from truly moving on and leaving it in the past.
Still, writing about my feelings has helped me work through them so much, but similar to most things, all good things must come to an end. It only feels right to end my column with seven installments. Seven has always been a lucky and symbolic number for me — both for personal reasons and ones related to my previous relationship.
So here it goes, my final thought: How do I become myself again?
Immediately after my breakup, I was overcome with some of the most significant emotions — loss and confusion. Not only was I devastated because of who and what I lost in someone else, but also what I lost in myself. I lost a huge part of me, causing me to ask myself: Who am I without anyone else? How do I become who I was before my relationship?
When you lose such a big part of yourself, it’s understandable to feel uneven, like half of you is operating while the other half is missing.
I have always been very strong-willed, independent and adore my alone time. Even when I was in a relationship, I remained independent and self-sufficient. For some reason, though, I had a hard time being alone right after my breakup.
It’s not that I’m uncomfortable being alone by any means. In fact, I am too comfortable with it. However, when in a relationship, you’re never really alone. Even if you’re physically apart, you always have someone there for you, filling the void of any opportunity for loneliness.
Therefore, it’s not that I struggled with physically being alone, but rather becoming reacquainted with it, knowing that I was now on my own and that I no longer had my person there for me at all times.
Over the past couple of months, I have frequently reflected on who I was before my relationship, almost two years ago. How can I be who I was then?
I get upset thinking about how loving and happy I was in the beginning of my relationship and how different I feel from that person now. I feel like I can’t get that version of myself back, like I gave all my love away and have none left to spare.
Sometimes I even feel like I lost some of my spark. I was so welcoming and caring then and can’t help but feel like I’ve become more standoffish and monotone. Realistically, I know that this is just in my head and that I’m the same loving person I was. However, I would be naïve if I ignored the fact that I did change over the course of our relationship.
The reality of it all is that, regardless of if I were in a relationship or not, I would have changed anyway. Whatever could’ve happened, I would have never been the same person I was two years ago — and that’s a good thing. Breakups are an easy excuse to paint change as a bad thing, whereas it’s really an opportunity to grow and adapt.
Truth is, there is no going back in time or feeding myself “what ifs.” I have to accept what happened and what has changed and ultimately understand that there is nothing I can do about it except embrace the change.
I will never be the person I was again, and while it’s a really hard thing to grasp, it’s also something beautiful to take advantage of so that I can become the person I want to be.
I truly think that has been one of the hardest realities post-breakup. With all the losses that come with a breakup, no one really talks about the important part of yourself that you lose: the person you were before. However, I’ve learned that there is no point in dwelling on the past and avoiding change. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to change, grow and learn from my experiences in order to become the best version of myself.
Therefore, rather than spending time pondering how I can be myself again, I am working on both reclaiming and enhancing my identity, becoming the person I have always wanted to be.
Overall, change is bound to happen, whether it’s provoked from an event or not. Rather than viewing it as a negative and grouping it within a category of loss post-breakup, I am choosing to embrace it and take advantage of it — and you should too.
All the best,
Lily
