“Boston University has denied it offered a teaching job to the deposed president of the Ivory Coast, who refused to leave his post after an election in the fall and plunged his country into civil war. Charles Stith, ambassador to Boston University’s African Presidential Archives and Research Center, said in an interview with the Globe this morning that at no point did he offer former president Laurent Gbagbo the post. Gbagbo was arrested by military action Monday.”
-The Boston Globe, April 12, 2011
Dear Your Greatness/Emperor /Colonel/Most Beloved Leader of the People (etc.),
The BU Administration is proud to extend a gracious invitation for you to stop oppressing your people and start oppressing—just kidding!—teaching our world-class student body. We believe this is an exciting opportunity for you to have a fresh start with a new career in a very prestigious field. Plus, the only massive crowds angrily rioting around here are drunk Red Sox fans. But hey, you would be too if your favorite sports team completely forgot how to win over the off-season (Unfortunately in this country we do not execute athletes who are not playing up to our standards. Crazy, right?)
We can guarantee that you will receive many perks if you chose to work for BU. Fear not about missing your presidential palace because we are in the process of setting up luxurious suites in DicVi, also known as Dictator Village. These skyscrapers, which originally housed students, are being redesigned in order to sumptuously accommodate you as well as your body guards, Ukranian nurses, 50-plus children and psychic. Don’t worry about the displaced students—Haha, Gotcha! As if you are ever worried about “displaced” anyone!—we are currently rearranging the rooms in one of largest dormitories, Warren Towers. All doubles will become quads and all quads will now become what we lovingly refer to as “cattle pens.”
You will be in excellent company since we have received confirmation of the acceptance of professorships from of at least half a dozen other world leaders. Please be advised that this is still a secret so, just as you do to your borders, keep this little nugget of info sealed tight! Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddahfi will be leading an inspirational seminar called “Never Give Up, Never Surrender” while North Korean leader Kim Jong-il will be heading a new course he personally created entitled: “‘War and Peace,’ ‘A Tale of Two Cities,’ ‘The Bible’ and Other Great Works by Me.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is our newest professor in the field of gender and sexuality studies while Vladimir Putin will teach a course through the Fitness and Recreation Center on shirtless fly fishing and bear hunting (It will feature special guest lecturer Sarah Palin!). Don’t have any specialties other than brutality and corruption? Don’t worry we’ll just stick you in College of General Studies or something. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, although he technically does not qualify since he is the head of a “healthy” democracy, will still be on campus “just to hang out.” We informed him that the college-aged bellas here may be a little older than what he prefers, but we are confident he will be satisfied by the selection of freshmen during weekends at the Ashford Street frat houses.
We imagine you are inquiring how we can afford to hire such high-profile leaders but we reassure you that we have more than enough money to pay your desired salary and to pay it in solid gold bricks. We charge our own students over $50,000 a year to attend this institution. Impressed? Wondering how do we get away with such blatant exploitation? Well, we think there is a lot you can learn from the administration here at BU and we are more than happy to teach you.
Naturally you are also wondering what motivation fueled us to create our “Tyrant to Teacher Program.” Many see a plan like this as a strategy to remove a ruthless head of state and his violent regime with minimal bloodshed in order to encourage lasting peace in that country or region. We at BU are ardent believers in spreading throughout the world that very special “P” word – publicity.
Finally do not be perturbed by our motto “Learning, Virtue, Piety” since we know none of these qualities can probably be ascribed to you. However, like so many institutions of higher education around the nation our real motto is “you scratch our back, we scratch yours,” and we know that is something a man of your moral caliber can fully understand.
Sincerely,
The BU Administration
Steph Hagen is a senior at the College of Arts and Sciences and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at shagen@bu.edu.
This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.
