Disclaimer: “Head of the Class” was a sitcom that ran in the mid-1980s about the dynamics of a classroom full of honor students. In attending BU, I am taking for granted that you are all pretty smart (although that might be a gross miscalculation on my part), and therefore should obviously have your appropriate “Head of the Class” counterpart/stereotype. You’ve probably never even heard of the show and consequently will have a hard time visualizing which role you fit. But rather than this hamper your selection, it should encourage you to be honest with yourself and pick the description that suits you best. Then later on you can see how silly you look. Please also note that Mr. Moore, the pivotal focal point of the show, has been left out because none of us can aspire to the level of greatness he is. Mr. Moore is like unto a god.
Dennis – Known affectionately as “the fat guy from “Head of the Class,” Dennis is the annoying goofball that sits in the back and cracks the most lame jokes in the class (an amazing feat here in itself). Think of all those kids who watch “Mystery Science Theater,” and you’ve got him nailed. He’s either really starved for attention or self-conscious because he likes “Star Trek.” He can be a real jerk sometimes, writing a factitious biography on Mr. Moore for the school newspaper in one episode (sound familiar?), and he’s forever mooching off people for money. We begin with Dennis to prove that I am as much a jerk to myself as to everyone else as I, alas, fall into the Dennis category.
Arvid – In a class of nerds, Arvid is the nerd’s nerd. He looks like he just stepped out of Revenge of the Nerds, only instead of getting the cheerleader in the end, he pines for a girl in typical endless sitcom style, which is pretty depressing when you think about it. You won’t see too many Arvids outside of the computer lab; they usually stay in packs for protection. If you’re an Arvid and you’re not a science major, you’ll eat cafeteria food every day for the rest of the year.
Alan – Alan is your typical yuppie. He’s in love with Ronald Regan (or nowadays, his less senile clone George W. Bush), and he always dresses the most conservatively – also an amazing feat at this school. He often makes controversial comments with deadpan expression and isn’t quite as lovable as his equivalent, Michael J. Fox on “Family Ties.” But Alan is basically misunderstood, suffering from an inferiority complex since he isn’t purely a WASP.
Eric – If you’re an Eric, you’re probably from New York (or pretend you are), you speak with a very forced ethnic accent and you’re embarrassed you’re surrounded by a bunch of squares. You’re the cool guy on campus until Richard Pryor’s sassy rapping daughter takes over in season three and totally schools you.
Jawaharlal – I’m sorry, but seeing as how practically 99 percent of BU students are foreign, most of you are going to fall into “Jaw”‘s category. As childish as it seems, you’re here to be the butt of various foreign jokes. But on the plus side, you’ve got an arranged marriage.
Darlene – Darlene is the antithesis of Alan; for one she’s the ancestor of one of Thomas Jefferson’s slaves, and she is constantly battling wits with Alan in class, which can be pretty frustrating if you’re a Dennis like me. She’s a total snob like him otherwise, but I guess you can’t escape that any more on television than you can at BU. She’s also unfortunately most remembered for being the woman Mike Tyson raped, but you can figure that heavy detail into her personality yourself.
Simone – Simone is the poetic, romantic, shy type. The lofty fluff she sprouts can get pretty sickening sometimes. Even though Eric was in love with her, I always thought she was a lesbian. Nonetheless I still had a crush on her (Jesus, forget about her, what does that say about me?).
Maria – Maria is what I like to politely call an Asian American of royalty. She’s also probably from New York or New Jersey, is incredibly neurotic about her homework and everything else and already plans to have several ex-husbands. But on the plus side for all you ladies, she did go out with Brad Pitt in one episode (even if he inevitably dumped her for being too smart).
Sarah – Sarah, a.k.a. “the other African-American girl,” is best friends with Darlene. I’ve racked my wits trying to come up with her personality; I’ve meditated on her psyche for hours. I think she’s just one of those altruistic types I’ve never been able to understand.
Janice – Janice, the 10-year-old in the class, is intellectually far superior to her peers, but emotionally out of her league. She was often teamed up with Dennis as a romantic interest, which is pretty disturbing. Since no 10-year-olds currently attend BU, it’s a little hard for me to come up with a BU-equivalent personality. But don’t we all have a little Janice in all of us – don’t we all feel like we’ve been plucked from the womb too early, forced to cope in an adult world not of our making, pushed to the vilest extremes of competition when all we really want is our blankie? OK, maybe not, but it was worth a try.
Patrick May, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.