FORSTER, GLANDER AND SAUER: The meaning of strife

Dear Nancies,

I just discovered that the order for registering for classes is based on the last number of our BU IDs. It feels as though my life is defined by numbers. Am I really just another digit within an elaborate algorithm?

Count Me Out

Dear Count,

It really seems that the number craze blew up to monstrous proportions when humanity traded in love, integrity and home cooking for isolation, Dr. Phil and lean cuisine; we think it happened around the time Oprah rose to power. It’s natural to blame technology and unnecessary efficiency as the culprits here, but are they really? True, every deli you visit is going to hand you your numerical alias for the day, and, by God, you will respond post haste when they call out your digits to pick up a honeyed pig. But this relationship with numbers goes deeper than man-made number nicknames; it’s something more natural.

Consider the lilies, and everything else with a symmetrical shape. This is where we name-drop the Fibonacci Sequence, raise our glasses in toast, and marvel at the advising power mathematic theorems wield over our prose. Or, think of yourself as a centipede of numbers; any more segments and you might be a millipede. If you had one more chromosome, your brain would morph. A different combination of nucleotides in your DNA and you become a grizzly bear. If your name were Carla instead of Kyle’hellip;well, that’s where it ends. You are more defined by numbers than by the name your parents gave you. Don’t let this get you down, though. We like to think of numbers as people to make the idea of a ‘number world’ more human. It’s rubbish for times tables but sometimes the eight looks quite motherly. And 11’hellip;11 has kind eyes.

Mathematically,

The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

We’re learning about the meaning of human existence in my philosophy class, which is heavy stuff, but the classmates who always say words like ‘existentially’ are even more overbearing. How can I prove my place in this world yet outsmart the douchebag know-it-alls?

-The Estranger’

Dear Estranger,

When you accept your admission to a university that Princeton Review has rated #17 for College with the Bestsomethingorother and GQ has rated #18 Douchiest College, you must anticipate the circumstance of an irritating learning environment. Philosophy discussions, especially, are breeding grounds for semi-constructed insights from students hell-bent on fulfilling prerequisites.

Although ‘existentially’ is one of the most versatile, relevant and bull-worthy adverbs in philosophical vocabulary, there are plenty other untapped buzzwords vague enough to apply to everything, yet too exotic for people to question your legitimacy. Using ‘juxtaposition’ is a classic yet more literature-oriented choice and ‘tenacious’ is great, but don’t be surprised if using it evokes Jack Black songs. When all else fails, feel free to come up with your own words, but be sure that your classroom doesn’t contain any laptops or rogue Websters dictionaries. You may find yourself inclined to create fake historical figures (If Einstein and Eisenstein exist, why shouldn’t Eisensteinstein?) but the risk is not worth the reward ‘- in fact, it may make your classroom contribution too convoluted to control.

Rest assured, if in your philosophy class you don’t master the art of BSing, the worst-case scenario is that you are spiritually motivated to break from the crisis of petty existence and do something meaningful with your life. If that doesn’t work, just go to office hours.

Credentially,

The Nancies

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Dear Nancies,

It seems like every week you answer such trivial questions about the pettiest aspects of college life. I want you to answer a big question’- the big question. What is the meaning of life?

-Searching for Answers

Dear Hungry for Answers,

Forget what you’ve heard about life being a highway, a box of chocolates or a joyless parade of suffering and conflict that ultimately ends with all of our lifeless corpses rotting in the earth. Life is complicated, nuanced and intricate, like a well-made burrito. Unfortunately, life is not as easy to dissect, nor is it available for just $6.29 at Qdoba locations across the United States.

To us, life is about possibilities. For instance, when you order a burrito at Qdoba, there are over 2,400 different combinations of ingredients, each one delicious and invigorating in its own way. As the poet William ‘Fresh Mex’ Cowper once famously said, ‘Variety is the spice of life. But so is spice.’ Whether that spice in your life comes from a zesty Qdoba ground beef quesadilla or a plate of steaming-hot Qdoba jalapeno nachos is entirely up to you.

While we’re talking about changing things up, try asking about being locked out of your dorm room after a shower.

‘ ‘ ‘ Qdobingly,

‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies