METCALF: Sexlympics

Did you hear that organizers at the Vancouver Olympics distributed 100,000 condoms throughout the Olympic village? That’s right, organizers in Vancouver are continuing a tradition that started in Barcelona in 1992 to provide athletes with the rubbery supplies. You may ask yourself, why so many condoms? Well, there are 2,620 athletes competing in the games, so that works out to about 38 condoms per athlete. However, some volunteers and paralympians are also living in the village. That ups the number to around 6,000 potential sexual participants, or about 16 condoms per person. Hopefully it’s enough.

In Beijing there were only 5,000 of the original 100,000 condoms left after the two weeks of summer games. They nearly ran out! It’s important that Vancouver doesn’t have the same problem &- otherwise we risk creating confused super-athletes every four years. I don’t want the next American ski superstar competing for Germany because Julia Mancuso was searching for her tiara in the German House. She needs to be careful.

Besides that risk, we all know the American snowboarders are getting crazy. Scotty Lago got some girl on her knees in the streets (to kiss his bronze medal). He doesn’t even need a village to get dirty. Hopefully the red-headed Shaun White doesn’t do the same. I have no interest in discovering if the curtains match the drapes. American snowboarding women Hannah Teter and Clair Bidez stripped down for Sports Illustrated &- who knows what those beautiful, free-spirited women are doing now that their event is over.

Lindsey Vonn, the blond bombshell of the American ski team, joked the other day in reference to Tiger Woods’s problems that she too has a sex problem. Too bad for the Olympic men that she’s already married. I’ve heard she’s great at the super combined.

Perhaps it’s a bit of a slight to the wholesome spirit of the Olympic Games to consider the sexual aspect, but can you really blame them? These young men and women are at the height of their physical prowess. Over the past few months they have done nothing but eat, sleep and train. After their events are over and their fates are sealed, why not blow some steam off?

“The mood is electric,” said Canadian snowboarder Crispin Lipscomb in a YouTube video, in reference to the atmosphere at athletes’ village in Vancouver. “Of course everyone focuses so much on their events that that afternoon, you know, it’s on. There’s beautiful people finishing the highlight of their life, so everyone is blue and golden, and there’s lots of parties and stuff, so it’s pretty exciting in the nighttime.”

It was rumored that during the 1988 Seoul Summer Olympics the British Olympic committee had to ban outdoor sex after the roof of the British men’s swimming quarters were littered with condoms.

“I think that relief comes in all forms and reward too, so everyone deserves the best of what they want for their hard work,” said Lipscomb.
Durex, as the official supplier to the Olympic Games in Beijing, was happy to make light of the situation.

“As the official supplier of condoms and lubricants, we hope the donation will help athletes improve their achievements between the sheets,” a Durex spokesperson told ESPN before the games.

Now, I know all these sexual innuendos are raising some hypothetical questions in your mind, so I’ll try to answer a few of them. Which country gets it on the most? Lipscomb said the Austrian racing team has been known to be a fun group, but I think it’s the Dutch women’s curling team. Their skipper, Madeleine Dupont, has a side-boob shot floating around the Internet that she took for a charity calendar. You have to appreciate those Europeans. As for the best looking team, the Americans have got it hands down. If you haven’t seen Lacy Schooner’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit pictures, find them now.

For those women out there, you’d probably like Chris Drury, a Terrier hockey alumnus and member of the American hockey team, or bad-boy downhill skier Bode Miller. Now that Miller is a success story, he’s much cooler than he was four years ago. And in case you were wondering, Evan Lysacek, the gold medal-winning American figure skater, is not gay. In fact, he’s dating Nastia Liukin, the decorated American gymnast, so he’s off the market. But one group of people you’d want to stay away from: men’s bobsledders. These guys are trying to hit that high weight to achieve maximum velocity, and it shows. I didn’t know you could have a beer belly bigger than Homer’s and still compete in the Olympic Games &-&- I’m talking about you, Steven Holcomb.

In all seriousness, though, it’s important that athletes promote the larger issue of sexual safety by using those condoms. It’s like a more mature version of sleep-away camp. Obviously these young men and women are getting down, so we might as well make sure they do it safely. Have fun, Olympians. I’d imagine it’s an amazing two weeks.