Gastroenterological disease is something I struggle with daily. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of thing that medication can only manage, so my lifestyle largely hinges on how I want my gut to feel.
Sometimes I really don’t care. If I’m a walking fart bomb for a day or two or pass some bloody bowel movements from time to time, so be it. I’ll bite the bullet. Tequila is necessary for that “live, laugh, love” life, and so is raw cookie dough.
But since I’m an on-call expert for most of my friends’ GI problems, a very close pal of mine recently reached out on “Boyz Night” because he was experiencing a digestive dilemma and wanted to handle it before crushing some IPAs with the broskis.
Here’s what I was presented with:
Well, my guy, there’s a lot to unpack here. If we’re making things personal, this person doesn’t exactly have the genetic predisposition for food blogger-tier gut health. In other words, his tummy is screwed if we’re going off his family’s track record along with his own. But that doesn’t stop him from eating a pint of ice cream every night, so live your life, king.
A lot of things could cause this specific person’s stomach to gurgle. For instance, if you’re reading this, maybe don’t chug two sodas in a row without breathing in between swigs, and also chew your food in totality before going in for another bite or downing previously mentioned carbonated beverage.
And the food I mentioned? If it’s not some form of chocolate, it’s probably doused in a combination of various barbecues and hot sauces. So reconsidering those choices alone might be life-changing for you. But what do I know?
That being said, the “I can’t tell what’s wrong” element of this crisis is my favorite part because I don’t know what this individual expects to happen after consuming things at such an absurdly fast pace.
But that’s enough roasting for today. Sorry.
Sometimes the stomach just gurgles. GI issues aside, on a normal day, my stomach screams when I haven’t consumed anything of sustenance in several hours, or — and this probably happens more frequently — when I haven’t drank anything. Not staying hydrated can seriously mess with your insides, and that’s something a lot of us college students seem to forget to do.
Also, between this paragraph and the previous one, I relocated from the couch to a chair and my stomach gurgled when I stood up. So moving from a couch to a chair could also be the culprit, I guess?
If you’ve ruled out nutritional intake as the probable cause for your gurgling stomach, there are other things to consider. These might not be so pleasant to acknowledge, but I’ve gotta do it.
My stomach gurgled again.
The first thing is that perhaps a goblin has taken residence inside your intestines and is operating your GI tract with a crank. A goblin is just one suspect, however. Other ghoulish creatures could be hijacking any of your bodily processes and causing noise disturbances, like, for example, if you are sexually active and have a reproductive system, a baby.
Considering the advice-seeker does not have any of the organs required to sustain a pregnancy, that is definitely not the cause in this scenario. But for those who do and think this might be a possibility, let me offer solace: I’ve never carried a child, but I don’t think a baby would make such a terrifying noise. And if that is true, I’m giving myself four IUDs and wearing four condoms the next time I bang it out because I’m not trying to have “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” streaming live from my stomach for nine months.
And, my stomach is back at it.
The final and most extreme causes of a gurgling stomach include a parasite. Or a malabsorption disease. Or stomach cancer. And I now wonder which one I have, since my stomach won’t shut up. Thanks, WebMD.
In sum, chew your damn food and don’t drink more than 12 ounces in one go because I don’t think you have a parasite or a goblin inside of you. At least I hope not, because that means I might too.
