Dear Abby: What’s the deal with people leading each other on these days? Someone who I thought liked me turns out to not want anything to do with me romantically — why did this happen, and how can I keep avoiding this problem?
OK, so this is an all-too-common situation that is wrapped up in a lot of sensitive, heart-sinking emotions from both parties involved. While I can’t say I’ve experienced the whole phenomenon of being the individual who was “led on,” stories from friends and my other involvements with this issue have led me to have my own (hopefully more helpful) conclusion on this matter.
After all, love is a tricky feeling — one that seldom dissipates quickly — and should therefore be handled with great care and tenderness.
Why was I led on?
I think the biggest source of what generates the whole being “led on” thing has to do with no one wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings. There’s a complex mixing pot of emotions to consider when trying to let someone down slowly or not embarrass them for perceiving your actions differently.
It’s a rule of thumb that we should avoid hurting people’s feelings if we can — even if that means misleading them. But whatever feelings people are hoping to spare in the present will surely come back to hurt later, and arguably harder.
There are a plethora of reasons why someone may have led you on. It may have possibly been unintentional, or a classic mis
understanding. Other times, it could be because the person is afraid to reject you, or that they’re confused by what they want.
Either way, leading on people is an art — when people do this, they effectively take someone’s excitement and hope and royally screw them over by taking it away.
How can I avoid leading someone on?
The answer probably seems simple: just don’t! Be direct with how you feel!
In an ideal that’s how people would think, but the persistence of this phenomenon clearly proves it’s not that easy in practice.
The lines often get a little blurred with factors like intentionality. There are some people who purposefully lead on others because they like the attention or ability to play around without having to officially commit. But there are others who genuinely aren’t aware of how their behavior affects the other person.
It’s common for others to mistake your kindness for interest in them or to think more of your casual gatherings than they actually are. In my experience, my very compassionate nature has led some people to think that I want to be more than friends which was kind of awkward for both parties involved…
In these instances, it’s best to be upfront and honest with the person right away. Avoid making them compete for your love before dropping the bomb.
But I’ll be honest, in most cases where people are being led on, the actions being committed by the leader were very purposefully misleading — like, you can’t take someone out to a nice dinner and pay or chat with them daily and for hours at a time without expecting them to think you at least have a little crush on them. Be for real!
There is a very distinct line that separates platonic relationships from amorous ones and what distinguishes friends from lovers.
Where do I go from here?
It’s natural to feel super sad after a long period of pining for someone only for them to admit your intentions were irrational. What’s even more is the terrible toll it takes on your self confidence.
You may be asking — what’s wrong with me? What about me don’t they like? What do I need to change?
To that I say: STOP! It may not seem like it at the moment, but there is someone who exists out there who will love you for your authentic self. If you have to morph and reshape yourself into someone new just so that someone will like you, then maybe reconsider. Remember that you have value apart from your relationships with others.
Conclusion
You may feel that you’ve wasted your time, emotions, passion and efforts all on someone who didn’t reciprocate the same feelings — and that’s normal.
But I think it’s worth acknowledging that even this experience is something to value in the neverending journey of learning how to love one another. To quote the queen of love and heartbreak herself, Mitski: “Nothing in the world belongs to me. But my love, mine, all mine, all mine.”
To love is one of the most beautiful things we can do, and the notion that we get to choose who and where we love is something to hold onto for all future dating endeavors.
Do you or someone you know need dating advice? Ask Abby! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScZZWVNdsRGA5092R3yn5d80wU6rkMK1VAwKmJ3nFTUqqhnWw/viewform?usp=sf_link
