Dear Abby: No matter what I do, I can’t seem to land a girlfriend. I’m always nice, respectful and pay for every date I go on. Why can’t I get a girlfriend? All those alpha gym bros have one, but they’re so stuck up. Why do nice guys like me always finish last?
When it comes to the realm of relationships, one of the oldest notions is that “nice guys finish last.” The idea suggests the respectful guys often end up in the “friendzone,” while the more dominant “alpha-males” are the ones who end up getting the girl.
It’s an age-old debate. I think this perception is what grants alpha men a sense of entitlement and continues to perpetuate toxic standards.
But the more I think about what most women are drawn to in a partner, I can’t help but wonder: Is there some truth to these ideas? Who actually rules the dating pool?
My thoughts on the nice guys
Let me start off by defining “the nice guy.” This is the self-described “boy next door.” He is kind, polite and respectful — someone you would consider taking home to meet your parents.
He respects your boundaries and takes you out on nice dates. On the surface, he seems almost perfect. However, deep within him is this sense of frustration. He does all the “right” things , but never seems to win the girl.
You might be quick to think that is the truth. but I think the answer is more nuanced than that. Sure, some girls may want someone who is more domineering, but I think part of the reason nice guys continue to finish last is because of their sense of entitlement.
Now, put down your pitchforks. I’m not talking about all men. But for this sector, one primary issue I notice is this collective deep-seeded idea: They deserve to have a girlfriend because they do all the right things.
Let me reiterate: being nice is great, but it’s the bare minimum when it comes to relationships. I sure hope you would be respectful to any woman, regardless of whether you are pursuing them or not.
The reality is, you can be the nicest, kindest man in the world — so sweet that it could give someone a cavity. That doesn’t mean women owe you anything. Compatibility and chemistry are things to consider, too. If you two don’t mesh, that doesn’t mean you missed a step. It just means it wasn’t meant to be.
While being overly passive or needy might not be attractive, being genuinely kind and considerate is something people normally value. So, where does the disconnect happen?
My thoughts on the alpha males
This leads me into my next topic of conversation: the alpha males.
These are the men who are the life of the party, command attention in social settings and enter a room with authority. They are often goal-oriented, have strong ideas and don’t hesitate to take risks.
Particularly in the beginning, these characteristics are frequently associated with a high degree of attraction. An alpha male’s confidence and mystique can be captivating and give the impression that he is dynamic. Many people find that the initial attraction of an alpha male outweighs the softer traits of the nice guy.
While confidence might be appealing, assertiveness and domination can quickly turn into haughtiness or emotional detachment.
This is where I think the nice guys have some leverage. Although alpha males may seem to win over partners early on, a lack of actual connection or emotional depth can lead to these relationships ending.
My issue with alpha males is that they are so attached to the norms of traditional masculinity that it can sometimes become toxic. Being a man is not directly correlated with being tough.
This might be the group that suggests nice guys are the ones who finish last, but truthfully, bullies don’t get anywhere either.
So… who wins?
I wish I could give you a single, straightforward answer. But I think in the contest for attraction, the winner is balance.
In actuality, no personality type has a monopoly of dating success. Being attractive is more complicated than being kind or self-assured. There are a lot of key factors to consider.
Yes, some girls prefer men who are confident. It’s undeniably attractive, but confidence can easily morph into arrogance when unchecked. This is a particular issue of the alpha males who might come across as distant or careless when they exhibit excessive assertiveness. The secret is striking a balance between confidence and kindness.
Likewise, there is also the emotional connection to consider. The nice guy is more likely to be emotionally available, sympathetic and committed to establishing a lasting relationship, even though the alpha male may draw attention with his charm and confidence. In addition to physical attractiveness, women — and men — frequently seek a deeper connection.
Still, you also have to realize that the greatest relationships are ultimately based on similar ideals, emotional ties and mutual respect, rather than simple attraction or playing a role.
My point
You may feel like you identify with one of these categories. In that case, I hope you’ll take my advice before making your next big splash in the dating pool.
Or, maybe you don’t identify with either group — and that’s okay too! Even if you don’t want to put a label on yourself, consider how your approach to dating may be affecting your relationship — or the lack thereof.
