EMMETT: Do you come here often?

Yes, unfortunately. The art of the pickup is a delicate thing. Come on too strong and you’re bound to scare off potential company. Don’t lay it on thick enough and you’re left solo. Probably sipping a whiskey “neat” and pretending to enjoy it. Granted, I’m clearly not an expert otherwise I’d be doling out romantic wisdom and writing a relationship column. However, I have watched enough of “The Real World” to understanding of how drinking, cameras and editing make for a flawless pickup.

I’ve also noticed that the economic climate bears no influence on the playing field of seduction. Men are consistently on the prowl and women are consistently willing to settle. It’s a necessary harmony that keeps bars and J-Date going round. So what does it take to nab the attention and focus of another person when you’re out? There needs to be a seamless introduction, brief conversation and close.

If the guy can muster up anything better than “Sup, legs?” for starters and the lady can’t seem to find her friends, there’s a chance for real romance. However, if he failed to break the ice and the DJ has taken a turn for the early 2000s, friction is in the forecast. It’s only a matter of time until they discover that you’re into “random play” and your interests include L.A.R.P. so you need to monopolize your time. If someone claims to have skipped directly to “the close” it’s likely that mail order or money was involved.

The introduction starts sooner than you think so plan ahead. Clothing is a biggie. Do my Uggs make my feet look hoof-ish? Yes. Would I wear Ed Hardy in public? Or ever? No. Is this cat eye uneven? Probably since you’re starting to look like Tori Spelling. There’s nothing more disappointing than seeing an attractive face float through the crowd and then realizing it’s attached to a fedora. Guys should stick with a T-shirt and jeans. European guys, see above and add Hugo Boss. Girls: Google Mary Kate Olsen and do the opposite.

Now, once you’ve gained the appropriate momentum to approach him/her, don’t drop the ball during the initial, pivotal approach. If you pop up out of nowhere, her $12 cocktail will plummet to the ground along with any chance you had. If you walk too slowly you’ll look nervous and disabled. I like a good stride that reads: “I’m interesting” and “You look fertile.”

If asked the classic “Do you like to party?” the answer is yes, I went to 32 bar mitzvahs and won the freeze dance challenge at the majority of them. If he’s “conducting a study” and needs a female participant, tell him to come back in five minutes with a beverage and systematic review. Unfortunately, we all enjoy watching from a safe distance as a friend approaches their victim. It’s a fun way to pack on the pressure to an already unbearable social situation.

If you’ve made it past phase one, congratulations and shots of Pinnacle Whipped are in order. Now both parties have to converse, which can be hard when there’s a blatant carnal undertone. You can keep it simple by talking about your career but be wary of the crowd. It’s great that you’re a ghostwriter but in a college bar the person you’re talking to assumes you write scary stories for a living. If you can sneak in the word “figures” when you’re talking about your salary, that’s a good start.

Phew. You’ve made it to the close without offending anyone within earshot. From what you could hear over everyone’s screaming, he’s either from the East Coast or likes to eat goat. Either way, it’s almost 2 a.m. and you’re into the idea of a carnivorous New Englander. Get their number but don’t linger. There’s nothing worse than a loiterer.

There are the rare few bar crawlers who woo and coup our rational senses. They slide into focus, seemingly out of nowhere, with a swift motion and accompanying music. They don’t ask for your drink order because they already know it and make a point to showcase their intuitive dance skills. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a Rumba and the Harlem Shake, but whatever they’re doing with their right leg is impressive. These people are rare so it’s important to know how to get out of a pickup situation when you find your back against that proverbial wall. When asked if you’d like a drink, request something with high fructose corn syrup. They’ll assume you’re a minor and drink Sunny-D to get a buzz. If that doesn’t scare them off, go home and try again tomorrow. And for the rest of your twenties.

Kacy Emmett is a senior in the College of Communication and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at kcemmett@bu.edu.