As college students, many of us are guilty of poor communication with our parents and families, especially when we live 3,000 miles away from them. As freshman, it’s common to want to break away from the rules of your childhood home and face the world as an individual. You want to make new friends, follow your own rules and spend your days doing whatever feels right to you.
In a letter to “Dear Prudence,” a Slate column in which advice writer Mallory Ortberg participates in a live chat with readers, a distraught mother wrote to discuss her daughter’s lack of communication during her freshman year at an Ivy League college.
“She only calls when she needs something or wants me to do something for her … I call her about once a week to say hi for five to 10 minutes,” the mother wrote. “I’m so hurt by her attitude that I feel like not contacting her at all until we see her at Christmas … and certainly don’t feel moved to buy her presents.”
Jezebel sharply criticized this mother, calling her a “martyr” because she described her busy schedule and the fact that she had “always tried to be a supportive parent” by giving her kids “what they need” and not “using them to get” what she needs. Jezebel writer Tracy Moore said the mother was likely contacting her daughter double the amount she said she was, and that her threat of monetary value was financially manipulative.
Whether we have forgotten to call because of that huge midterm or blatantly ignored a text, we’ve all been through this. But most of us forget that out parents aren’t reaching out to annoy us — they’re reaching out because they care. We have been a constant presence in their homes and their lives for at least 18 years, and now we are gone from our beds and heading off to a whole new world away from their care.
Some students may find it embarrassing to talk to their parents. They believe their new friends will find it weird or stupid that they have chosen to take that phone call instead of that shot of raspberry vodka. But as we grow older, our priorities find a new level of maturity and we realize we shouldn’t be seeing this so much as an inconvenience, but rather as a chance to connect with the people who have supported us — financially or otherwise — since we were born.
In terms of this letter, it’s somewhat easy to see both sides of the story. Arguably, both mother and daughter are in the wrong. As a child, you have a responsibility to your loved ones, and whether you have just arrived at school or are about to finish out your senior thesis, it’s important to maintain communication. At the same time, the mother who penned this letter has to realize that her daughter is only experiencing exactly what every other college kid her age experiences — college is a time of newfound independence. Even still, Jezebel’s calling this mother a “martyr” and saying she needs to back off is a bit extreme.
In the grand scheme of things, it’s not so hard to make a phone call or send a few texts once or twice per week. College students are busy and overwhelmed 95 percent of the time, but parents are worried about them 100 percent of the time. There’s a huge difference between trying to break away from your parents and being ungrateful for their help, monetary or otherwise.
This doesn’t so much have to do with how much time a person has spent in college, but rather the maturity they find throughout that time. Perhaps, then, students should consider setting communication boundaries with their parents and families before they go away. Consider setting a time to call home once per week, and see where things go from there. It’s important for parents to remember that kids need time to make friends, and they need to learn to handle adult situations on their own, even though they may still be accepting money from them.
No matter the side you’re on, it’s undoubtedly important to maintain open communication before a student heads off to college in the first place. A healthy balance isn’t something we can necessarily prescribe — it’s something that is different for everyone, and boundaries will always be altered based on the parent-child relationship. But this mom needs to realize that her daughter owes her communication because she is her daughter, not because she is paying her $200,000 tuition bill.
