Dear Abby: What’s your take on the whole, “all men are trash” argument? I have pretty high standards and I feel like no good men are left! I’ve gone through Hinge, I’ve tried finding people in class and nothing! All I’ve experienced is ghosting, lying and cheating. Is the dating pool going to forever be tainted?
I know I’m going to make a lot of people mad with this one but it must be said.
All men are trash.
Or are they?
We throw this saying around like confetti, especially after a failed date, bad ghosting experience or a “you up?” text at 2 a.m. But even more, we’ve begun to use this phrase more broadly — every time a man acts out.
No one’s shocked by it anymore, but everyone is quoting it.
It’s become an inside joke, a sharp, somewhat sarcastic way of summarizing the cumulative impact of countless interactions with men — both personal and professional.
Every time it gets spoken into existence, the responses are predictably polarized — women nodding in agreement and men chiming in with indignant complaints about “reverse sexism.”
This polarization has surely descended to the dating market. How is anyone supposed to find their “perfect match” if one large subset of the population is presumably “trash?”
The more I thought about it, I couldn’t help but wonder if we are really correct in making this generalization.
Not all men are trash — but some definitely need a trash bin
If you’re not reading too deeply into the joke, you might only recognize it when women are half-jokingly, half-seriously calling out the ridiculous things a lot of men in life put us through.
Truth be told, the context of this concept is everything because there’s a difference between saying it casually as a joke and being more serious in intent.
What bestows the “trash” title upon men in a more serious sense is their pure lack of disrespect and consideration for the person they’re seeing. This includes things like ghosting, leading on, mansplaining, unnecessarily commenting on appearances, cheating and sexual coercion — just to name a few.
Are women completely exempt from these things? Don’t get your pants in a bunch — they’re not. But let’s just say there’s a reason why the phrase “women are trash” isn’t half as popular.
But let me clear something up — I don’t actually think every man on the face of planet Earth is trash. However, I do recognize that there is this general sense of complacency among most men.
You don’t have to be the guy outwardly disrespecting women, leading them on and talking about them inappropriately to be grouped in that category.
By not speaking up when you see this kind of behavior or continuing to remain friends with people who display this kind of behavior, you indirectly lump yourself into this category.
As they say, there’s no talking out of two sides of your mouth.
Are women just being too harsh?
A lot of women who agree with the “all men are trash” sentiment are usually met with a lot of backlash or are crowned “radical feminists.”
But ladies, let me be upfront and say that having high standards for respect isn’t “radical” — it’s essential. I think the most successful relationships happen when you are secure in yourself and your needs — you don’t tolerate inconsideration and disrespect.
In that way, the phrase can also be considered a positive in the way its controversy draws attention to the need for improved standards and conduct in interpersonal relationships. Putting the phrase in this light moves the emphasis from personal censure to a call for constructive change in the way men treat other people, particularly women.
Please lighten up
I also think that people need to consider the context, especially when the phrase is meant as a joke. I mean, “men are trash” as a concept is so much more endearing and silly than some of the things I’ve heard said about women.
For example, if you ask me, I think Mr. Big from Sex and the City is trash — though quite charming. Well, of course, he’s not actually trash —I’m using trash as an adjective here for added humor and effect.
But seriously, Mr. Big can’t commit, he’s emotionally unavailable and he led Carrie on for seasons upon seasons — even in a movie!
So sure, I think he’s trash. He’s not literal rubbish, but he’s just a crappy person with a big ego and selfish ways.
So what’s the moral here?
Trash isn’t always literal and don’t date a Mr. Big.
But ALL of them?
If you’re a man who’s reading this, I know what you’re thinking: “Ask Abby, surely not ALL men are trash?”
Let me be the one to say that they’re not. I mean, Carrie also dated Aidan, and I didn’t think he was trash.
I’m kidding, but it’s important to remember why we sometimes make generalizations as a society. Not all bees will sting you, but still we’re scared of bees. We don’t say, “only some bees will sting you” because that’s a given — it’s redundant.
In that same way, no one really means all men are trash. Not all men are the same as Mr. Big.
Still, keep in mind why women carry extra clothes to wear home on the train, why women don’t go running alone in the dark and why women have to travel in groups. I mean, the list could go on and on.
It’s not all men, but it’s certainly enough to create a social issue rather than a personal one.
Does that mean all of the dating pool is tainted? Obviously not. However, it can’t hurt to stay on your toes and avoid being blinded by love as best you can — that way you can steer clear of the ones who are…well…really trash
